Poor GameMaster...

I just got a call from GameMaster from school.

He whispers, "I need to come home. Some stuff is happening."

I respond, "What is happening?"

(I've been working on the computer all morning listening to Nashville's Christian Radio Station and it is snowing and icing there. I've gotten confused a couple of times hearing about it before realizing that I'm listening to another city's station! So at first I think it's weather related. What an air-head!)

He whispers again, "Mom, please."

(I remember that the weather is fine here and think more like a mom. I think something bad has happened at school. His teacher is in one of her lovely moods. A student is bullying him. What?!?)

I ask, "Honey, what is happening?"

He responds, "I'm having a hard time concentrating on my work. I'm seeing flashes of green and my eyes hurt."

How do I tell my sweet baby that he has what is called 'stress' with a great deal of 'mom is working from home now, so why can't I just stay home with her?'. My heart hurts for him. He's absolutely hating school. He's beginning to get mad at me again, because I'm the bad guy who makes him go.

Oh, how I need wisdom as a mother!

It finally broke!

Princess' fever was still 103 early this morning! But it is gone now. And I do not find it a coincidence that her temperature was 96.7 (lower than usual, I might add) at noon - the exact time that my Bible Study was over!!

My sweet friend Lisa, whom I am taking this study with called to check on us. She helped me "fill in my blanks" in my workbook. She also shared with me the encouragement I would've received had I gotten to go this morning (which of course is why I DIDN'T get to go!). It turns out that our group leader was a struggling single mom for awhile too. We have two other single moms in the group as well. Anyway, two of them shared today about trusting God through that. Don't you think that would've been really encouraging for me to hear that!?

Oh well. At least she is doing better...

Did you expect this?

How many times have I told you my biggest disappointments come when my children get sick? If you've been reading my blog from the beginning, then you've heard this many times before. I've probably blogged about this more than any other topic in fact!! Ha!

Should've seen it coming! Did you see it? I didn't see it, but I should've expected it! The enemy attacks once again! (As if he doesn't know that my Savior has already won!!)

Princess has strep. She's had a very high fever (as high as 104 at times!) - poor baby. She's puny, to say the least. But! Seeing how the flu is going around and that would last way longer than strep, we'll take it! I'm honestly relieved that it isn't the flu. She started the antibiotics today and should be feeling much better by tomorrow evening.

Meanwhile, I've stocked up on girly princess movies for her to watch - like this, this and this! We've got the most-liked bubble gum flavored Tylenol and Motrin, as well as the nasty-flavored white-chalky (no choices on this one!) Augmentin. So we should be just fine!

Except of course, tomorrow is my Bible study day! Of course I won't get to go. I had a lunch date afterwards too. So, bum!

I still won't let this get me down!!

New group, New faces, Old feeling!

I went to a new small group this morning. It is for single women. The group leader has a special heart for single moms. It was wonderful!

I will never forget the very first women’s small group that I went to (at another church). I cried all of the way home. It scared my husband to pieces when I walked through the door crying. I just couldn’t believe how great the group was and how nice they were and how safe I felt. I didn’t say a word during the group, but held it all in for the ride home and him!! (Thank you Heidi, January, Maria, Lynn, and Becca - I will never forget that night!)

That is exactly like I felt today! I didn’t say a word. I did have to fight crying several times. I just can’t explain what it felt like to feel safe with them. To hear the verses they were studying. To sit by another single mom. I just felt embraced by God in these ladies presence. I don’t know how else to say it!

I really enjoyed the church service more too. It was nice to sit in the middle of a row surrounded by these new friends. I look forward to going again and getting to know these ladies more! What a blessing!

God is my everything!

Do I believe that? Honestly? No. I just can't figure that one out.

I do know that I wanted my husband to be my everything. Obviously he could never fulfill that expectation. And so I was in constant disappointment over him and his lack of fulfilling me. (Not fair to him. I know.)

So, now who or what can be my everything?

In today's Bible Study, Psalm 121:1 says:

"I raise my eyes toward the mountains.

Where will my help come from?"

*

My paraphrase is, "I look at all of my problems. Where can I get help? Who will help me?" I used to want my husband to help me. He didn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't. I certainly can't even look for him to help me now.

*

Who will help? I certainly need help. I think my biggest need right now is that I need someone to help me encourage my oldest son at school. He is discouraged and just trying to get by in his schoolwork because he doesn't like all of the work. He's bored with all of the busy work. I can't get it into his head the importance of his education. I think he needs a man in his life as an example of this and teaching him this. I'm his mom. He doesn't want to hear it from me anymore, you know? He is so discouraged and he needs more than just me.

*

Well, it is no one elses responsibility to be this for my son. I am doing the best that I know to do. I'm talking with his teacher almost daily. I'm talking with him daily. I'm praying all day for him. What else can I do? Who else CAN help?

*

Psalm 121:2 says,

*

"My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth."

*

So, I get that. My help comes from God. GameMaster's help comes from God. What does that look like? How can God help him if he doesn't want God's help? I think this is my bigger concern anyway... It seems like his heart has hardened so much over the last few years. This saddens me more than anything else!! He used to be such a happy, expressive Jesus-follower. Now, his faith is hurt. I've encouraged and encouraged and prayed and prayed (and will not give up praying and encouraging...).

*

Psalm 121 assures me that God is my Maker and my Protector. I even believe that for myself today. I must believe that it is true for my GameMaster too...please protect him and bring him back to you, God.

*

Who (or what) is your everything?

Woe to me?

Oh no! I've been saying that for too long! No woe to me anymore!

That is the title of yesterday's bible study: Woe to me! We studied Psalm 120. She gave us permission to have a "woe to me" moment with God concerning some of the things we've been enduring. I guess I'm done with that, because all I could do was praise Him through this Psalm!!

Psalm 120 is about asking for God's help for deliverence from a liar and deceiver; and God's punishment for them and protection for us. She told us it was okay to complain to God. Well...been there...done that.

All I could think was that He has delivered me from a liar. Listen to the first two verses... This was the cry of my heart for the last two years of my marriage...

I'm in trouble. I cry to God,

desperate for an answer;

"Deliver me from the liars, God!

They smile so sweetly but lie through their teeth."

*

You know what? He answered that prayer! So what have I been complaining about? Here's what... MY PLAN was for Him to answer that prayer by making my husband into the man of integrity that I longed for him to be. Well, I guess he wasn't willing to be that. So, God delivered me anyway. It just isn't what I thought it'd look like. I haven't really and truly realized this so clearly before this week.

*

God set me free.

*

Now, my life may still be hard. I may still be poorer than I've ever been. I may still be a single parent with three children and not enough time, energy, arms, eyes, laps, instructions, advice, etc..., etc... to meet all their needs. I may still get so lonely. But I can still rejoice in the fact that...

God heard me.

*

I honestly didn't think He was listening to me anymore. Now I understand. He heard me. It may not look like what I wanted, but it's still okay. I have freedom in Christ. Freedom from the bonds of deception and lies in my own home. And I can praise God for my circumstances!

(Somebody remind me of this post the next time I get on the self pity kick...)

God is working on me!

I am almost overwhelmed! I am realizing so much about myself, about my situation, about God right now. It feels as though my eyes are opening again!

I'm scared! First of all, I have been in a pit for the last two years. And I wanted to stay there! Seriously! I haven't realized it. But somehow it was comfortable and safe. But terribly miserable at the same time! I have felt so sorry for myself. But see, if I stay at the bottom, then I can't get hurt or disappointed or let down. I have no expectations of things being any better. It is just miserable, but that's okay...cause at least I can feel sorry for myself!

Well, for whatever reason, God has let me stay there and wallow in it! Maybe to get it out of my system? I've just not been ready to get out yet. But that has changed! I feel myself becoming more alive! More on fire for Jesus again! I'm ready to receive His grace and love!

I have to tell you more later about what He has shown me in the last few days through this new Bible study that I'm doing. I'm so amazed and I think you will be too! Who knows!? You'll probably be like, duh! That was so obvious. Where have you been? Ha! (I was in the pit, remember?)

Rainy Days and Mondays

Okay. I know it's not Monday. It's Wednesday. But the kids were out of school yesterday and it feels like a Monday. Back to work. Back to school. Back to laundry. Back to tiredness. And it has rained all morning. Even our sweet energetic Duncan feels it:

Game Master update

Several of you have been asking about my oldest and how he is doing. I'm not sure what to say exactly...

His pain was pretty constant there for a couple of weeks. It comes and goes now, but seems more tolerable.

We had a big talk about a week ago (after he missed almost two weeks of school). He admitted to me that he does have the pain, but that he was using that as an excuse to stay home with me. I have been working from home since they returned to school in January. He didn't understand why I wouldn't let him stay home with me and home school him. Of course, he'd never asked or expressed himself in this way... I explained to him why I had to work and that I wouldn't be able to spend the time with him that he needed. We discussed his fears for middle school and I shared with him that I've been praying and looking into the possibilities of sending him to a private Christian school next year. This made him feel a lot better.

He complains much less now about the pain. I will decide later this month if we still need to go to the neurologist on the 21st.

Meanwhile, I'm giving him some extra TLC and making sure to hear him out more. I'm praying for a miracle scholarship for him to attend this very special school that I feel would be so perfect for him!

I'm stepping up!

I'm so excited to say that I began my first Beth Moore Bible Study today. I have done many studies, and always wanted to do one of hers, but really never had the opportunity! Of course, I've heard so many good things about her studies. At one point, there was one woman in my life who talked more about Beth Moore than she did about God. That kinda turned me off, I admit.

I have been visiting another church for the last month. I found that they have a small group for single women that meets on Sunday mornings before church. This appeals to me greatly (both the single women part and the Sunday morning part)! I have a neighbor and good friend that attends this church and she invited me to this Beth Moore Bible Study with her. I was thrilled to be able to go. It helps me so much to be able to go with her too!!

We are doing her new study, "Stepping Up: A Journey Through the Psalms of Ascent". I learned so much from just the introduction today. I'm really excited about digging into the word of God with a group of women! I learned the basic idea that our life is a pilgrimage. We will not be in our current circumstances forever. (whew! what a relief!)

More than anything, I was encouraged and motivated to do this to the full extent and grow from it. I'm really looking forward to it!! It's been so long since I've felt like I could commit to a study like this!

On a related note, this sweet neighbor and dear friend of mine...I want to say an 'old' friend of mine, but please understand that we've been friends for a long time and I'm not referring to her age in anyway!! It seems that God has put her in my life at certain times for specific reasons. I'm so blessed by our friendship and so thankful that we can always catch up quickly and take off where we left off... Old friends are really the best friends, aren't they? I'm praying for you, my sister.

I met her.

Okay. So I met her.

It was really no big deal. I feel sorry for her, actually.

The kids were nice to her. They didn't make eye contact with her though. Princess asked her and I what we would do if our boyfriend broke up with us. (where did that come from?!??) Her cheerleading coach was standing nearby and came to the rescue with "buy new clothes and get a tattoo!" I just laughed!

In the words of Forrest Gump, "I don't have anything else to say about that."

I have to meet her.

Well, I knew the day would come eventually.

It looks like tomorrow is the day.

For months, ever since the kids found out that their dad was getting married, they've wanted nothing to do with her. They wouldn't even talk about it! They just weren't ready.

Martin began pushing for them to meet her. I told him that I was not going to make them. I know he felt like it was me who didn't want to meet her. Certainly there is truth to that. Who wants to meet their husband's new wife!? But this wasn't about me. It was about my ducklings.

In November, I recall telling him that the children would certainly be ready to meet her long before I would. I told him that when they were ready, I would not hold them back from that.

Well, they've let me know they are interested in meeting her. And thus... Now it is about me!

Martin and his bride will be attending part of the kid's basketball games tomorrow. We will all get to meet her.

This could be a big turning point in our relationships. For the last year, the only times Martin has seen the kids has been in my presence (court order, as well as the children's request). They are becoming more comfortable around him again. If they are comfortable around his wife, then they may feel ready to visit them at their home.

Okay. Stop right there. There are two things to say about this. One: is my selfish side. I have had very little "time off" as a mom in the last year. There is a part of me that likes the idea of the kids going to spend a weekend with their dad every once in awhile, you know? But it is a dreamy wish...I must admit. Because...

Two: I've worked so hard in the last year to help my children heal and grow into strong human beings again. I'm scared. He has not been a very good father. I don't know how much I want them to be around someone like him. I think it'd be a hard recovery time every time they went to see him.

And yet, he is their dad. What do you do?

Oh yeah, pray.

I realize I'm jumping way ahead in the process. For now, we are just meeting in a public place for a brief time. It is just another step in our journey...

I know what she looks like!

Well, I have finally seen a picture of my husband's wife! Want to know what I think?


Well, first of all. I know. He isn't my husband anymore. I just don't like that whole "ex-husband" thing! I don't want an "ex-husband"! I don't necessarily want to be married to him either, but I just hate that!! I don't call him my husband because I haven't let go. I have. I just don't want an "ex-husband". I think it is best to just call him Martin. So, let's rephrase that...


I went to lunch with a sweet friend (and enjoyed it so much!!). She hesitantly asked me if I'd seen a picture of Martin's new wife. Then told me where I could see it. She predicted that I'd be running straight home into my house and looking it up. She was wrong. I took a walk with my daughter and my dog first. (Then I ran straight into the house and looked it up!)


My friend told me she was surprised at the picture, that she wasn't what she'd expected. Funny, but I'm surprised too. I don't know why. I mean, she's a cute girl (when I say girl, I mean girl...she's just 23 years old). I don't really know what I was even expecting.


Somehow I feel better. Maybe it is just one more step in the whole process. Knowing what she looks like. I don't know. I have no hard feelings towards her at all. She didn't do this. It isn't her fault. She didn't "steal" my husband. This was his choice.


What I do feel for her is pity. I feel sorry for her. She is the exact age that I was when I started dating Martin. She must be feeling just like I did - that their whole life is ahead of them. That she has just married the greatest guy in the world. That life was going to be wonderful with him. I was so naive. He was good at convincing. I believed him. I believed in him. I saw his potential. I just never saw him live out his potential. He tried a few times, some of them were really good tries too. It just never happened.

She must see that potential in him now. She must see his charisma and believe in him. He must be good at convincing her that he can't see his children because I won't let him. Surely she doesn't know the truth of why he can't see his children alone.


Some people have said that she must be stupid to have fallen for him. Whenever someone says that, it hurts my feelings. Remember that I fell for him too!! Does that make me stupid? I don't believe that she is stupid. I believe that she is naive. I was naive. He is convincing. It is a good pair. Even if it is disastrous.


So, here is the lovely couple. My husband of 11 years. The father of my three beautiful children. With his new wife...his new life.

How does it make you feel?

The Well

Friday night I got to attend a Single Mom's Dinner at a church here in town. It is called The Well. They provide fun programs and pizza for our children and feed us moms a nice dinner. Then a speaker talks to us about issues that single mom's face.

First of all, this is a very difficult event for me to attend. I am full of good excuses not to go. Earlier last year I was angry. I didn't want to be a single mom. Hearing about single mom things made me mad. It broke the floodgates that I was working so hard to keep intact! My children still refer to this church as the place where mommy left crying! I didn't go back for a few months because of this.

Then, as I came to accept my place and my needs as a single mom, I struggled with going alone. Okay, I'm still struggling with that. After 11 years of marriage, you don't realize how dependant you get on your spouse to just "go with you". I hate going everywhere alone. Especially if I don't know anybody!!! So for a few more months, I didn't go because of this.

Then God brought along another single mom friend to go with me! (He said, "No More Excuses!") So we went. The speaker, Kim, just speaks right to my heart. Each month I leave encouraged and challenged. Not overwhelmed though. I take something that I can apply. Something doable. And I just feel better as a single mom. We are doing okay. We are going to be alright. I can be a godly mommy for my kids - no matter what else is going on.

Two months ago, my challenge was to get back into God's Word with my children. I had slowly gotten away from this. Our evenings were so rushed. My goal was always to get them into bed! At this event, I was reminded of the importance of ending our day together - in His Word and in prayer. I immediately applied this and began reading to them each night and praying together before bed. I first apologized to them, for not being the mom God wanted and they needed. They jumped right onto it (if nothing else, to stay up a little more each night!!). It quickly became such a blessing for each of us - a time of focus, learning, togetherness and sweetness. If I forgot, they were quick to remind me!

Now with the rush of Christmas and all the new "stuff" to play with...we've gotten lazy about it again. Maybe 2 days a week we do it. Princess still asks and I've actually said, it's too late, gotta get in the bed. I'm recommitting to do it! Starting today!!

Next time, I'll tell you about this month's talk. It is a juicy one. Well, maybe I'd better call it a not-juicy topic.... stay tuned.

No answers...

Now I don't know what is going on with Game Master! He went back to the doctor this morning. His blood work shows that he does NOT have shingles! He definitely has something neurological going on. His nerve root endings are VERY sensitive. He called me from school at 12:45 this afternoon and I had to go pick him up. At this point, we can't get in to see a pediatric neurologist until February 21!! They are trying to get him in earlier, but I'm not sure they will be able to...

Please pray for him for relief of his pain. Please pray for wisdom for me and the doctors to know what is going on. Please understand that I don't want to doubt my son, I really do believe he is in pain. However, sometimes I wonder if it is psychological. Please pray for me for God's guidance in knowing the truth.

I am so thankful for God's provision for us right now - that I can be home and be here for him during this time. I'm struggling enough with having time to work from home. There is no way I could be working outside of the home with this going on! I'd be a mess for sure!! God prepared the way...

Answers and change of plans...

Well, I thought I'd have more answers about Game Master's bizarre symptoms by this point. Still no rash. And the pain has spread into his left arm now. They couldn't get him an appointment with a neurologist until late February!!

He was examined by two pediatricians today and they feel very strongly that he has shingles. They sent us to Children's Hospital to have some labwork done. We won't have the results for about a week, but then we'll know for sure. I am pretty convinced that this is what he has though.

The good news? No school for the next four days anyway! We won't be traveling this weekend as we had planned (since we were visiting family where someone has lupus!!), but we'll still have a nice little "home vacation". Game Master can rest. I can get some things organized for Mama Duck's Nest. We are starting with a movie night - and going to watch this. And I've promised to make this tomorrow!

Have a good weekend!

God knew it was coming!

Isn't it funny sometimes how God will align things in your life for a reason? I'd be a mess right now if I was still working at my old job! Instead, I have peace! God is good.

Here is the deal! GameMaster has shingles! The poor guy has been in pain since Sunday. He still doesn't have a rash, but we are waiting on that at any moment. The rash will verify the diagnosis. If he doesn't have a rash by tomorrow, then we will go to a neurologist.

He came home early from school on Monday and isn't allowed to go back to school all week. If it is shingles, then he won't be going back for up to a few weeks!

So, now you know why I'd really be stressing. But, no! God knew! So, I'm home working anyway. GM is on the couch watching movies all day and resting (loopy on pain meds). I get to work and be a mom at the same time! How great is that!??

So, please be praying for my poor guy! I hope to know more tomorrow. The pediatrician will either see a rash or refer him to a neurologist. Either way! God is in control!

It's Hannah Montana!

My sweet daughter has been obsessed with hair for the last month! If I hear, "Mommy, do I have blond hair?" one more time I will scream! I've taken to answering it..."a little bit" - explained by the sun-bleached strands in the front (well, what's left of the hair in the front that she didn't chop off during her little misadventures last month...but that's another story for another time).

For one weekend just before Christmas, everyone that we encountered heard, "I want hair like Hannah Montana". It really was obsessive (ask anyone at Bri's birthday party)!!

That exact weekend, my parents spent most of their time shopping. At the end of the weekend, mom just happened to call to say..."we got Princess a Hannah Montana wig for Christmas, do you think she'll like it??"

.

.

.

.

Mama Duck's Nest is open!

I'm so excited to announce my newest job! Go check out:

Mama Duck's Nest!!

I've sold several things in the last few days since opening. I am enjoying it thoroughly. So far, it is ALL scrapbooking stuff. There will be other stuff soon...

Be sure to mark me as a favorite and visit me often!

We wish you a very happy 2008!

I am praying for an AMAZING year for me and my little ducklings!

I know this last year has been our most difficult and I am able to see how far we've come. My main focus has been on my children and their healing and well-being. This year I'm going to add the focus of my healing and well-being.

I know that God has big things in store for us this year and I can't wait to see what happens!

Our theme for this year:

LIVE

LAUGH

LOVE

All at the same time!!

You are fired!

Well, I did what I thought was right.

I stood up for integrity.

I got fired for it.

I refuse to regret it.

God is using it to draw me nearer to Him. I trust Him.

We have been praying (begging may be a better word for it)... for another way. I have been unhappy in my job. I have been missing my children and feeling the need to be with them more. I think this is an answer to our prayers.

Bad timing (single mom, three kids, a week before Christmas). Definitely hurt my pride (I've never been fired before!). I was quite shocked at the way it all happened (I didn't do anything wrong. He even told me that I'll have no problem finding another job, since I'm such a great employee!?!?).

Wow. That is all I had to say. Wow.

Please pray for us as we seek God for His new way for us. I hope and pray for a way of financial provision where I can be home more for my children....

Be careful not to get caught up in the whole holiday busyness. People are more important than wrapping paper, decorations, cookies, laundry, dishes, traveling, arranging schedules...etc, etc... Don't miss the joy and the gift of our Savior Jesus during this time. I know I'm sure looking for Him in every moment today!!

The truth

I’m so sad about the person that I’ve become. I used to be sold-out for Jesus. Nobody could affect my attitude, because I was in love!! Everything that I did was for Him.

What happened? Why am I struggling so much to get that attitude back? I am harboring bitterness in my heart because of my silly circumstances. I am falling for the lie that since I can’t be a stay at home mom anymore that I’ve lost my purpose and can’t be what God wants of me. I am allowing Satan to have a stronghold on me, which I despise. I am letting life run me, instead of letting God run my life. Before, God had me in His Hands. Now, I feel like so much is up to me. I feel the burden of responsibility on my shoulders and can’t figure out how to let it go.

Most of the time, I feel like I am doing fine…surviving, you know? And then I read an e-mail or someone sends a card and I fall apart. It reminds me of how far away I am from God right now. So many times I say that I miss my old life. But friends remind me of how difficult that time really was with my husband. I realize now that I miss my old self and that relationship I had with Him.

Okay, I guess I needed to unload. I’m sorry. But needless to say, please pray for me. I miss my Lord…

A favorite saying

Heard today from one of my children...

"Mom, today was a really great day!! Well.....except for the parts that you weren't there."

Bless his heart! I love him so much!!

My holiday wish list is...

Prayer.

That is what we need.

We need:

Strength.

Perserverance.

Wisdom.

Guidance.

Peace.

Joy?

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!!

Asking for another way...

I know. I know. I need to update my blog again. Life is crazy as a single mom. In fact, I don't know how working moms that are married do it all! Oh, I guess they don't. Of course, truth be known, I didn't "do it all" as a stay at home mom either. But, boy! I came a lot closer! I sure felt a lot better at the job I was doing as a mom!

My oldest, Game Master, has a really tough teacher this year. It isn't the academics that are the problem (he made honor roll). It is her personality. They are really conflicting with each other. I met with the principal last week and requested a transfer to another class. I haven't heard back from her yet. It was pretty doubtful that I'd get my wishes...

Candy Man is doing great. He is still my sweet boy (except when other kids are watching now). He won a Citizenship Award at school for his sweetness.

Pretty Princess is doing well too. She's struggling with writing in school, but is catching on. I used a 'relaxer' on her hair for the first time on Saturday night and am really excited about the results! So much easier to do her hair now!

Me? Well, I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm stressed, most of the time. I'm bored a lot of the time. But it's all okay. I am getting better at this. I know we'll be okay. I miss a lot of my old life, but it doesn't do any good to dwell. We are still praying for "another way". There has got to be another way for me to make income and still be home more (or full time) with my children. But God has to bless it. We are asking him to show us another way, if it be His will...

Thank You, Don!!

I have to take a minute to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU to my friend's husband Don! He's been reading my blog and saw where I had asked for help. My yard looks better this evening than it has since I've moved in! It is so pretty - so evenly cut. I'm so thankful for the blessing he has given me.

And! He left a bag of clothes for my daughter on the front porch too! I'm so thankful for you, Don & Leeann!!

One of my children cried all the way home after picking them up from daycare (just a bad day....again). Two of them were arguing and fighting (over a water bottle for goodness sake!). When we pulled up to the house and they saw where someone had mowed the yard for us, the car got so quiet! They were stunned. All three children just kept asking, "who did it, mom?" It was a sweet blessing for them to hear that God had sent a friend to help mommy. The whole tone of our evening changed in that moment. The water bottle was shared, they helped each other with carrying their backpacks in. They are now quietly playing upstairs together and talking.

This sweet act of kindness may seem like a small thing to you, but it has affected me and my three in a much larger way...

Thank You! Thank You! I love you!!

I NEED HELP!!

Just a few weeks ago, I was out with two friends having coffee and they kinda lit into me about how I'm not asking for help when I need it...

Well, here is the thing...I feel like God hasn't given me more than I can handle, right? He knows where I am. He knew I'd be here. He's taking care of us. I can do this, right!??

Okay. Okay. How many times have I preached it (I'm sure YOU have heard it from me before yourself!!)... God uses others in our lives to help us. That is how we handle it. I know!

It's just that....I love to be used by God!! I want Him to use me in YOUR life!! I don't want to be needy!

But alas...I am. Maybe God can bless you by using you in my life. Here is the deal...I've done pretty good keeping my yard mowed all summer. (I admit that I have taken the drought as a personal blessing from God!! I am very serious!) But my grass is a bit too high due to the rain this week and I'm sick with sinus yuck! I tried to mow it this evening, and was coughing my head off the whole time. I had to quit. I barely made it into the house before throwing up. I had left the kids watching a little TV (this is one of my biggest obstacles to mowing...what do I do with my kids while I'm out there!?). They have now been traumatized! I jumped in the shower to try to cool myself off and stop the coughing/hacking/gagging/puking. It took several minutes, but I finally got myself under control.

Sorry to gross you out and all. So, I think it is obvious what my need is this week. I officially invite anyone over at anytime to mow my grass for me. I don't have to be here - help yourself! And so you know...the land behind and to the right of my mailbox (facing my house) is my property, almost to my neighbors fence and all the way to the curb.

I love you, my friends.

The latest!

I feel like my blog has become a way to update my friends. I guess that is okay. Some of you have been asking for it! So here it is...

Life is busy. Life is exhausting at our house... I'm managing to work one full time job, M-F, 8-5, at Hosenfeld Chiropractic. I worked there years and years ago and they are really close to my house. So this spring when I needed a job, it was natural to try there first. It made job hunting easy. I work in the Billing Office, which is seperate from their two locations where they see patients. Sometimes I fill in at their two offices working at the front desk, when people are out sick or whatever.

I've also been working from home part time for FAST Billing. I do medical billing from home in my spare time. Since school has started, I have very little spare time and don't know how much longer this job will be mine!

I also work from home part time for TSS Photography. My parent's own the local franchise and I work for them whenever I can to help them and make some extra money.

So, that is my three jobs.

Now for the "real" update... My children found out this week that their dad is getting remarried. It wasn't taken very well, to say the least. I called and asked Papa to come over and answer their questions and talk to them. They were withdrawing very quickly and I'm glad he came over. It forced them to deal with it. They still aren't happy about it, but they are talking about it, which is good.

Everyday is a challenge to keep each of them encouraged, motivated, and feeling loved. I have so little time with each of them individually. I'm learning how to make the time by staggering their bedtimes by age and keeping the older ones busy while spending some one-on-one with each child. I cherish this time with them. I think they do too...

I have had a couple of opportunities just this week to share my faith with friends, co-workers, and acquaintances. It feels good to be used by God, and not be the "needy" one all the time! October 1st will be the one year mark since Papa moved out and it all started. They say that the first year is the hardest. It has been really hard. I've thought many times that I wasn't going to make it. Those moments are becoming further and further apart now (Thank you God). I have hope!

The scoop on "daddy"

For the first time in a long time, GameMaster asked to call his daddy tonight. I've made a promise to never tell him no to this. And so I let him. They talked for over an hour. Mostly about SpongeBob episodes, I heard some joke telling, even some laughter. Never anything too serious. GameMaster was fine with it and I even heard him tell his daddy a couple times that he missed him.

CandyMan came in from playing outside and got to talk for a few minutes too. He's sort of oblivious...talked for a few minutes and then wanted off to get a snack.

He gave me the phone when he was done. He and I actually talked for a few minutes. I asked a lot of questions... Does Ashley have children? Has she been married before? How old is she? Does she want children? Have you set a date for the "wedding"? Where are you getting married? (Oh, did I tell you he's had a girlfriend? That he is living with her? And they are getting married? Yes, we've only been divorced for a month, you aren't mistaken...)

The answers were... no, no children. no, not married before. 23 (just!). yes, she wants children, but not for awhile. Yes, September 22 (this year!). In Gatlinburg.

Well, that is enough information for me for now.

I just can't get a break!

I was so excited this morning. Tomorrow is my birthday. This afternoon my mom was going to take my three little ducklings and pay for me to have my hair done (not just a quick cut like I try to slide into my schedule every 6-12 months!). I had actually found a babysitter (finally!) and was going out to dinner with a friend. It was all setup. What could go wrong!?

CandyMan threw up. Twice in the last hour. He's sick. Oh well. Cancelled the hair appointment. Cancelled mom. Cancelled the babysitter. Cancelled the friend. Going to stick around here all weekend and hold the bucket instead...

A better weekend!

This weekend was so much better than last weekend. Last weekend was spent at home with a dead car battery and a child in much pain! CandyMan's habits caught up with him and he ended up with three abscessed teeth and having to have surgery on Tuesday to fix him up. He's much better now.

We had friends over to play Friday night and to spend the night Saturday night. Today, we went to church and then to my parents...Grandma and Grandpa's house. They have bought a new pontoon boat! We had a picnic, went for a boat ride, swam in the lake, swam in their pool and ate homemade ice cream! What a day! It was beautiful too - just extremely hot!!

Back to the real world tomorrow... but it was a nice weekend!

We are Family!

Okay, so here is the good picture from my family reunion. I kinda like the silly picture better!! Ha! Click on the picture to enlarge it, if you want!

My wonderful family!

How can you beat a crazy family like this!?

My vacation...and right on time!

Well, that last post had to be the most depressing post ever! But things are okay! I was fortunate enough to be able to leave that Saturday after my divorce for a week's vacation!

We packed (and do I mean "packed") the van full of clothes, sand toys, food, etc... and headed to a lake resort (how appropriate for Mama Duck!) in Tennessee for a family reunion. We were there for a whole week - with around 60 family members! It was so awesome! I got to see family that I haven't seen in almost 20 years, and meet their children! My kid's had fifth cousins there from Utah and California! It really was phenomenal! I'll post pictures eventually.

I'm still so pumped up about it, or sad (one or the other!). Most of the time, I'm still glowing in the fun memories that were made last week. Or I'm suffering from seperation anxiety! There wasn't a moment last week (really!) where I was alone. Not for a moment. There were people everywhere. I connected to several cousins and spent every moment visiting with someone. I never had a quiet moment. And surprisingly, I loved it!

Now, that is all I have! Quiet. Alone. My boys are at Grandma and Grandpa's, since their daycare is closed this week. It is unbelievably boring around here.

I suppose I should be thankful. I have been sick with some funky stomach virus (or exhaustion?) since Friday and I can't shake it. Guess I'll do what I usually do...go to bed early.

...except with dreams of relaxing days on the lake and lots of laughter in the evenings....

Sad Duck

Well, this is it. It is my last night as a married woman. I've been married for 11 years, 4 months, 1 week, and a day (but who is counting). We've made three homes, three children, and a lot of memories (good and bad). And just like that...it's over.

I go to court tomorrow morning to finalize my divorce. My attorney says it will be "quick and easy". She's single, never been married, no children. She is not kidding me. This will be one of the worst days of my life.

I didn't get married thinking, "if it doesn't work out, I'll get a divorce". I was committing to spending my life, at all costs, with this man. I never imagined that there would come a day when he would not be committed to the same! That he would not do everything to fight any battle for me and his future children...

None-the-less, here I am. Tomorrow night, I will be single. Who, at 35 years old with 3 children wants to be single!? Not I.

TGIF

I don't think I ever really got that when I was a kid. I remember being in the car with my dad and listening to the "5 o'clock whistle" on the radio on Fridays. I'd laugh at how silly he acted over it. I had no clue.

In fact, as a stay-at-home mom for the last 10 years, I've had no sense of "Fridays". Everyday was a day spent doing what I wanted to be doing. My husband didn't have traditional "weekends" off anyway, so it was just no big deal.

Now, I work a full time job, Monday to Friday. My children are in childcare all day, Monday to Friday. Now I truly know the meaning of TGIF, "Thank God It's Friday!"

Watch out for those driggers!!

A recent conversation in the car...

Candyman: "Look, Gamemaster! There are those flowers that Grandpa said have driggers in them!"

MamaDuck: "Driggers!? What are driggers??"

Gamemaster: "You know, those bugs that bite you and suck your blood. They itch really bad!"

MamaDuck: "Oh! You mean chiggers!"

Looking for Christian Single Moms...

I am a Christian Single Mom. I'm looking for other blogs written by Christian Single Moms.

Can't find any.

I know. We really don't have time.

Just thought there might be someone out there who is like me....

If you know of one, send them my way (or vice versa).

Thanks.

It's a brighter day...

Isn't it amazing how much better a cleaner house can make you feel? (Notice I didn't say a "clean" house, since that's never gonna happen!) I spent an hour this evening tidying up and cleaning a bit. Not the whole house - just two rooms - the living room and kitchen.

I started a small group for single mom's a couple months ago and I've struggled with getting it going good. I realized that my main reason for that is trying to get my house ready for it!!! This past weekend I renewed my commitment to getting the group started by contacting some that are interested and inviting them to join us this week. Tonight, my hill to climb was to just clean up a bit so that I won't feel so much pressure coming home tomorrow to get ready! I get home at 6pm and the group starts at 6:30pm (and I have to feed my kids first!).

Oops! There I go again...poor me....

Must stop.

Poor Me...

Okay, I've wallowed in it long enough. I'm getting it all out now...

I'm a single mom. My divorce will be final in July. My husband has gone off the deep end and is spending money left and right, except not on his children or his home (which was foreclosed on last week). Our lives have been turned upside down. We've gone from: me being home full time, homeschooling - to me working one full time job and two part time jobs and the kids being is school and daycare ALL day. We've moved. Almost everything in our lives has changed.

But we are going to be okay. I've gotten in a rut in the last month - feeling sorry for myself! It is hard, I will admit. I don't have it down yet. My kids are suffering right now. But I know God's Grace is sufficient for us. We just have to accept it.

It is time for me to let go of the self-pity and move on. The pity is only hurting us worse. I must pick myself up and do something about it.

"With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

My Pretty Princess

I had to show off my Pretty Princess. She was a flower girl in my brother's wedding two weekends ago. She was so beautiful. It only took me about four hours to do her hair!! At the end of the evening, one of her brother's poured a whole cup of confetti on top of her head. I was brushing it out for days...

God's Blessings

God has a funny way of blessing us sometimes. We have to look for them, or we will miss them. Lately, I've just been too exhausted and distracted to see them. However, yesterday was a bit too obvious!

I've been feeling down for the last week as my daughter's fifth birthday approached. I had to work and the children all had to go to daycare. I was so bummed about it. I miss spending my days with my children terribly. It is especially hard on their birthdays!

Well, I picked up the children and brought them home on Tuesday evening. I noticed that Kennedy wasn't talking much and she was acting a bit puny. By 6:45pm, I was taking her temperature. Sure enough! She had a fever - 102.6.

This may sound very strange, especially in light of previous posts as a stay at home mom, but I was THRILLED! This is one more upside-down change in our lives! I used to become greatly depressed when one of my little ducklings became ill. Now, with our first illness since becoming a single-working mom, I'm excited about a high fever!

Well, afterall, the next day was her birthday! We were able to spend the day together yesterday! I kept the boys out of daycare too. She didn't run a temp all day and seemed to feel fine! But the daycare rules are she can't attend within 24 hours of having a fever!

Funny, but by last night, her temperature spiked up again to 103.3! I gave her Ibuprofen and put her to bed. She woke me up at 4:30 this morning with a temp of 103.9! More Ibuprofen was given and we slept in! This morning, her temp is normal and she's watching a movie. I'm going to play with the boys!! ;)

Long time, no see...update

Wow. It's been a long, long time since I've visited this place. It used to be a place of purging for me. I honestly don't have time for it anymore. I want to though. Maybe just 10 minutes a night or two a week is doable...

Well, we go to court in a few weeks to finalize the divorce. I'm in shock about it really. I can't believe I'm getting a divorce. I don't believe in them.

We are all extremely exhausted, with end-of-school-year activities, work, etc... We went to Houston, TX last weekend for my brother's wedding. It was beautiful. We had a wonderful weekend, for the most part. Reality hit hard on Monday, with little sleep and back to school/work.

I'll update more later, but wanted to post a picture of me and my beautiful kids at the wedding. They are going through so many difficulties right now. I'm so proud of them. I pray we make it through this...

I'm home!

I'm moved in! (Well, I have a little more furniture to move tomorrow... but we are sleeping here!)

I'm amazed at much help that I had! With each new project needing to be done, God blessed me tremendously with friends and family to help me! I can't even express my graciousness to Him, and to those that He used in my life in the last month! It really has been amazing!

Well, back to cleaning and unpacking... Maybe I'll get back to regular scheduled blogging before long...

Tomorrow is Painting Day!

It seems like the day would never come. Wallpaper has been stripped. Holes have been patched. Cleaning and more cleaning and more cleaning has been done (and much more cleaning to do yet...). Doorknobs and windows have been taped off with plastic. All appliances have been taped. We are finally ready to paint!

Doppler Daddy and I have worked for over a week now on preparing the new house for painting. He has done so much of the dirty work (literally) and all of the high-up work (I'm scared!). I just don't know what I would do without him. I'm so thankful for my dad right now!

I'm more exhausted than I've been in a long time. Besides working on the house, I have worked two part-time jobs and taken care of three children. I admit, however, that McDonalds has seen us more than a few times this week!! Okay, Little Caesars Pizza twice too. I yearn for a hot cooked meal at home. It'll have to be at the new house, since I packed most of my dishes on Wednesday!!

So, get this! A good friend has gotten together a group of people from our church to come and paint the whole inside of the house tomorrow! She says 12 people are coming! One of them is a contractor who will be there with a paint sprayer and will spray all of the ceilings first!! I'm so blessed that these people are going to spend a Saturday out of such a busy month to help me! Oh! And did I mention that they have given me the paint???

I just can't hardly wait to see what it looks like at this time tomorrow!

I'm moving!

Yes, you may remember that my house was for sale earlier this year. Well, if you've read more recent posts, then you know that I'm moving for different reasons. God never ceases to amaze me - especially in difficult times!

I have two more weeks here before the kids and I will be in our new house. We got the keys this week and have begun the extreme-home-makeover process that is necessary when buying a 'used' house.

I'm so excited about the neighborhood! We were there all day yesterday - stripping wallpaper (fun! fun!). My little ducklings played outside all day, meeting the neighborhood kids. A game of touch football was played, scooters and bikes were ridden, a favorite card game was played. I'm so thrilled for my little ones - to have a neighborhood where there are other kids to play with! They've been lonely here.

Each time that I went to the window to check on them (every 5 minutes - ha!), I got teary-eyed! I am thrilled for them! I look forward to getting this messy work of painting/cleaning/packing/moving all done and settled into our new home! And just in time for Christmas!

Thank You, God!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wish you and your family a very happy Thanksgiving! I pray that your family is blessed abundantly this holiday!

There is hope...

There is so much sadness in my heart right now. And yet, there is hope. I'm so thankful for the hope that God has given me. Especially through the encouragement of others - my parents, friends, family, church, even an occasional stranger!

Today, my blessing from God is in finding a new home for me and my children. We'll have enough space for all of us (and our stuff!). We'll have a yard to play in, even a cul-de-sac to ride scooters in! And we already know several neighbors. What a huge blessing this is for me! I even got a call today telling me that a family member is going to pay to have new carpet put into the new house! I am truly thankful for the ways God has shown Himself to me each day through this.

I am His. I will live for Him.

Changes...

Well, so many things are changing here. I've decided it is time for a new look on my blog too. I've taken to calling my sweet children my ducklings, so I'm going with it!

Especially lately, my children are following behind me everywhere I go! And we have been "going" a lot lately! They remind me of ducklings.

Right now, I just want to shield them beneath my wings and hide them from any pain the world offers!

A long awaited update?

Well, here it is - a whole month later. I didn't expect that it was going to take me this long to return to the blog world. Lack of time and a desperate need for sleep have kept me away so long.

So, here it is. I'm getting a divorce. I really can't believe it myself. I'm a Christian and believe in the sanctity of marriage. I don't believe in getting a divorce just because your not happy. I've encouraged other women to work it out and stick together! And here I am.

Surprisingly, I have incredible peace about it all. I've prayed more in the last month than I've prayed in a while. I know that God is taking care of me and He's not abandoned me. In fact, I feel His presence and love more!

Don't get me wrong, I certainly have shed some tears... especially for my little ducklings! It is almost like mourning a death. I am disappointed... and hurt... and angry... and determined (to do the best I can for my children). And I'm so tired!

I've gone from working one day a week (Papa's day 0ff), to working 3-4 days per week. I take the boys with me and they do their school work there. Princess is in extended care at school now. We run, run, run everywhere to get it all done by ourselves!

AND! In the midst of it all, I'm house hunting! Looking for that perfect house in the perfect neighborhood, for a miniscule price.

It is all so exhausting. I'm learning how to be a career woman again. I'm oh-so-bummed about putting my boys into school at the first of the year. I was a single mom in many aspects before Papa moved out a month ago, but now it is real - not only in action, but the full weight of it is heavy.

I can survive. The Lord is my strength.

My life

I'm amazed at how much can happen in one's life in such a short amount of time. This is the longest I've gone without blogging. Life is just too much to put into words right now. I'm certainly not feeling vulnerable enough to share it with the world - at least yet. When the time comes, of course, it will be all I'll talk about (you know how it is).

For now, please pray for me, Papa and the little ducklings. Life is tough right now and we can use all the strength and encouragement we can get.