Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Just knowing what I do know (very little), she is so heavy on my heart tonight. Please join my in praying for her and her children.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
My friend Lisa has instructed me to take a nice relaxing evening to myself - including a bath (which my children will tell you is VERY rare for me - I do shower though;). I think I will do that. I'm so tired from this headache! Hopefully it will go away soon!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
We laughed. We shared. We had fun. And we had very serious conversations too.
He shared his heart with me tonight and I feel so close to him. I can't express how special he is to me.
I can't wait for our next date. I am certain he feels the same way.
I really care for him. In fact, I love him deeply.
He is my son. My 10 year old son. I am so not ready for a date with anyone else but my precious boys right now!
Did I have you going for a moment? Or were you on to me?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
We have returned from seeing a child neurologist today (finally). He feels like an MRI needs to be done. Even though the pain is sporadic and not as severe now, there is a cause for it. If the MRI shows nothing, then we may never know what the cause is. If the MRI detects something, it probably won't be a good thing.
So, we will wait for the testing. He said it will take a couple of weeks to get in for the test.
Meanwhile, the kids are out of school today and tomorrow for illness in the schools. So we have a four day weekend!! Too bad it is cold and dreary outside.
I'm taking GameMaster to a Martial Arts class tonight. He's never been before. A close friend's teenage son takes classes there and has recommended it for GameMaster. So we are going to check it out. This sweet teenager is going with us to help GM feel better about it.
We had a little breakthrough this morning. GM and I were talking and I told him that he couldn't do anything until he got his schoolwork done. He got angry with me about that and said, "I'm mad at you!" I got so excited! (It was really kind of funny. He didn't know what to do.) I asked him why he was mad and he told me. We talked about it and ended up hugging! I told him how proud I was of him for expressing his anger, instead of stomping off and letting it boil within him - and taking it out on one of his siblings. He felt really good about it and we were all cool. We will keep working on it...
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Lessons to learn: Don't ever give up! Live one moment at a time. God is in control and has the best plan for my future. Don't try to figure it all out ahead of time.
At the Single Mom's Conference I learned a couple things...
Brenda Warner was the speaker. Her story of being a single mom (in low-income housing, on food stamps, with 2 children, one of which was severely disabled), her parents dying during this difficult time (in a tornado no-less!!), and her healing and new life as Kurt Warner's wife (You can read their story here.) was very encouraging and uplifting. It made me feel so much better. Even in the mistakes that I am making, God will use those for good - for me and my children. I've been kicking myself so much for every little thing that I haven't been for my children, or myself!
Lessons to learn: God is in control. He wants to work for our good. I must trust in Him, that even in these times He wants to bless us, provide for us, and prepare us for our future. Which leads to...I don't have to know what the future will be.
In a Breakout Session at the conference I attended a talk on Forgiveness. This was very good for me, but even better...God used it to open my eyes about what GameMaster is going through. One of the statements was... "Unresolved hurt and anger lead to many types of defenses: exaggerating, a critical attitude, rationalization, excessive shyness, perfectionism, workaholism, or pleasing others. The breakdown of these defense mechanisms results in a life-style of depression, bitterness and excuse-making." I am better able to see what is going on inside him now. We've talked twice since learning this. It will take time. He has so much hurt and anger, it is hard for him to get past the last incident that hurt him (which may be as simple as his brother looking at him wrong). I feel better equipped to help him forgive.
In addition to this... I took another Breakout Session on Peace in the midst of Pain. I wish I'd taken this one a year ago!! God revealed the root of my self-pity and the other problems that it has been causing me! My self-pity was really rooted in anger. I realized how mad I have been at Martin for allowing this to happen and for not feeling more sorry for me! And to add to that (and this is more hard to admit), I've been mad at you (yes, you) for not feeling more sorry for me. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I just couldn't understand why no one else felt sorry for me. Then when someone actually did show their pity, I spiralled into greater self pity - I was validated! What a mess!
Lessons to learn: God will always guide me and show me how to help my children. I need to spend time with GameMaster - frequently - and help walk him through a path of forgiveness. I need to pray and ask for God's help for him daily. I need to forgive Martin. I need to forgive you. I need to forgive my church (what was my church during this time). I need to take my thoughts captive and not allow myself to go down a path of self-pity! I need to learn to be content with God alone. I need to learn that God is enough to sustain me when all else might fail me.
And then I went to small group at church on Sunday morning to the "DOK - Daughters of the King". Our leader talked on taking our walk one step and a time and how God will sometimes just show us the next step we need to take and how sometimes He shows us farther down the path. We read many scriptures on letting Him guide us, trusting Him and waiting on Him. Like:
"A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?" --Proverbs 20:24
"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" --Isaiah 30:18
I don't know what my future looks like. The only things that I know are for this year:
1. God has ensured me that I am to be a worker from home right now and that He will provide for us.
2. I know that I am to be seeking Him and opportunities to grow closer to Him - through church, quiet times, Bible study, small group, Christian relationships, service and any other possibility that He may send my way.
3. I am to continue to provide a stable home environment for my children. I need to spend frequent time with GameMaster and help him to overcome what he is struggling with.
That's it! That is all I know right now. And I'm perfectly okay with that.
Lessons to learn: God is in control. He has my future all planned and all I have to do is wait to see what it will be. I need to seek after Him to guide me and show me His path for me. I need to be content with what He shows me and what He doesn't show me.
So, I think that is enough. Don't you? How is that for an open book? Anything else you want to know about me? If I know, I'll tell you. Sometimes I think that other people know me much better than I know myself. I'm just not very in tune with myself. This weekend helped me to see inside myself quite a bit. Now I just need to grow through it!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I'm so bummed! I had plans tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday! Saturday is the Single Mom's Conference!! I needed that so bad! It's only once a year. I hate to miss it! Sunday is my single mom's small group and church. I'll have to miss it all!
I'm just plain old mad about it!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
He whispers, "I need to come home. Some stuff is happening."
I respond, "What is happening?"
(I've been working on the computer all morning listening to Nashville's Christian Radio Station and it is snowing and icing there. I've gotten confused a couple of times hearing about it before realizing that I'm listening to another city's station! So at first I think it's weather related. What an air-head!)
He whispers again, "Mom, please."
(I remember that the weather is fine here and think more like a mom. I think something bad has happened at school. His teacher is in one of her lovely moods. A student is bullying him. What?!?)
I ask, "Honey, what is happening?"
He responds, "I'm having a hard time concentrating on my work. I'm seeing flashes of green and my eyes hurt."
How do I tell my sweet baby that he has what is called 'stress' with a great deal of 'mom is working from home now, so why can't I just stay home with her?'. My heart hurts for him. He's absolutely hating school. He's beginning to get mad at me again, because I'm the bad guy who makes him go.
Oh, how I need wisdom as a mother!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
My sweet friend Lisa, whom I am taking this study with called to check on us. She helped me "fill in my blanks" in my workbook. She also shared with me the encouragement I would've received had I gotten to go this morning (which of course is why I DIDN'T get to go!). It turns out that our group leader was a struggling single mom for awhile too. We have two other single moms in the group as well. Anyway, two of them shared today about trusting God through that. Don't you think that would've been really encouraging for me to hear that!?
Oh well. At least she is doing better...
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I will never forget the very first women’s small group that I went to (at another church). I cried all of the way home. It scared my husband to pieces when I walked through the door crying. I just couldn’t believe how great the group was and how nice they were and how safe I felt. I didn’t say a word during the group, but held it all in for the ride home and him!! (Thank you Heidi, January, Maria, Lynn, and Becca - I will never forget that night!)
That is exactly like I felt today! I didn’t say a word. I did have to fight crying several times. I just can’t explain what it felt like to feel safe with them. To hear the verses they were studying. To sit by another single mom. I just felt embraced by God in these ladies presence. I don’t know how else to say it!
I really enjoyed the church service more too. It was nice to sit in the middle of a row surrounded by these new friends. I look forward to going again and getting to know these ladies more! What a blessing!
Friday, February 08, 2008
I do know that I wanted my husband to be my everything. Obviously he could never fulfill that expectation. And so I was in constant disappointment over him and his lack of fulfilling me. (Not fair to him. I know.)
So, now who or what can be my everything?
In today's Bible Study, Psalm 121:1 says:
Thursday, February 07, 2008
That is the title of yesterday's bible study: Woe to me! We studied Psalm 120. She gave us permission to have a "woe to me" moment with God concerning some of the things we've been enduring. I guess I'm done with that, because all I could do was praise Him through this Psalm!!
Psalm 120 is about asking for God's help for deliverence from a liar and deceiver; and God's punishment for them and protection for us. She told us it was okay to complain to God. Well...been there...done that.
All I could think was that He has delivered me from a liar. Listen to the first two verses... This was the cry of my heart for the last two years of my marriage...
I'm scared! First of all, I have been in a pit for the last two years. And I wanted to stay there! Seriously! I haven't realized it. But somehow it was comfortable and safe. But terribly miserable at the same time! I have felt so sorry for myself. But see, if I stay at the bottom, then I can't get hurt or disappointed or let down. I have no expectations of things being any better. It is just miserable, but that's okay...cause at least I can feel sorry for myself!
Well, for whatever reason, God has let me stay there and wallow in it! Maybe to get it out of my system? I've just not been ready to get out yet. But that has changed! I feel myself becoming more alive! More on fire for Jesus again! I'm ready to receive His grace and love!
I have to tell you more later about what He has shown me in the last few days through this new Bible study that I'm doing. I'm so amazed and I think you will be too! Who knows!? You'll probably be like, duh! That was so obvious. Where have you been? Ha! (I was in the pit, remember?)
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
His pain was pretty constant there for a couple of weeks. It comes and goes now, but seems more tolerable.
We had a big talk about a week ago (after he missed almost two weeks of school). He admitted to me that he does have the pain, but that he was using that as an excuse to stay home with me. I have been working from home since they returned to school in January. He didn't understand why I wouldn't let him stay home with me and home school him. Of course, he'd never asked or expressed himself in this way... I explained to him why I had to work and that I wouldn't be able to spend the time with him that he needed. We discussed his fears for middle school and I shared with him that I've been praying and looking into the possibilities of sending him to a private Christian school next year. This made him feel a lot better.
He complains much less now about the pain. I will decide later this month if we still need to go to the neurologist on the 21st.
Meanwhile, I'm giving him some extra TLC and making sure to hear him out more. I'm praying for a miracle scholarship for him to attend this very special school that I feel would be so perfect for him!
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
It was really no big deal. I feel sorry for her, actually.
The kids were nice to her. They didn't make eye contact with her though. Princess asked her and I what we would do if our boyfriend broke up with us. (where did that come from?!??) Her cheerleading coach was standing nearby and came to the rescue with "buy new clothes and get a tattoo!" I just laughed!
In the words of Forrest Gump, "I don't have anything else to say about that."