Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The truth

I’m so sad about the person that I’ve become. I used to be sold-out for Jesus. Nobody could affect my attitude, because I was in love!! Everything that I did was for Him.

What happened? Why am I struggling so much to get that attitude back? I am harboring bitterness in my heart because of my silly circumstances. I am falling for the lie that since I can’t be a stay at home mom anymore that I’ve lost my purpose and can’t be what God wants of me. I am allowing Satan to have a stronghold on me, which I despise. I am letting life run me, instead of letting God run my life. Before, God had me in His Hands. Now, I feel like so much is up to me. I feel the burden of responsibility on my shoulders and can’t figure out how to let it go.

Most of the time, I feel like I am doing fine…surviving, you know? And then I read an e-mail or someone sends a card and I fall apart. It reminds me of how far away I am from God right now. So many times I say that I miss my old life. But friends remind me of how difficult that time really was with my husband. I realize now that I miss my old self and that relationship I had with Him.

Okay, I guess I needed to unload. I’m sorry. But needless to say, please pray for me. I miss my Lord…


meLanie said...

my heart goes out to you dear. wish i could help in some way- but i will be lifting you up to the one who can. i am reading the book "get out of that pit" by beth moore, it's a good read- and real.

Shawnda said...

Oh sister. It does not surprise me and certainly does not surprise our Lord at your circumstances! You've been hit with a HARD trial! Divorce and single-motherhood. 2 of the harder things in life I can imagine!
I will definitely be praying for you!! I was just reading through Trusting God yesterday by Jerry Bridges, and your post brought back so much of what he referred to in his of the best things was that pain is real, so we can't pretend it's not there, but we have to trust the Lord IN the pain. And I tell you, sister....I just about broke right, Lord??? Can I stand in that test??? You are standing, sister!!!!!!!!! You are standing!!!!!!!!! And it's a GIFT of the Spirit that you are aware of your lack of intimacy with Jesus AND that you are asking for it back! I praise Him for that!!!!! He is near to the brokenhearted - He is near to you! May grace abound, sister, and may you know Him more deeply than you EVER have!

Jennifer said...

God always brings you to my mind and reminds me to pray for you. I have rarely been so faithful to pray for someone as for you and your family since the separation and God gets all the credit because He always reminds me. That goes to show you that He cares so much. Jason and I are coming to Knoxville the first weekend in January. Let's talk soon about it.