Pray for a miracle!

Please continue praying for my friend Trish. I have no update at this time.

In addition to this, please pray for a miracle! GameMaster and I have been praying for a miracle scholarship to a great Christian school. I talked to the First Baptist Academy today to find out the recommendations of the financial needs assessment - that was done through an independent company. The administrator told me that a very high percentage of scholarship has been recommended - so high that she needs to get the board's approval first! And the board meets tomorrow!!

I am taking the completed application, as well as a letter to the board, to her today. Please join us in praying for this miracle! We are praying for a full scholarship!

Remember...

There are so many passages in the Bible that call us to remember our past. In last week's Bible Study, Beth Moore talked about remembering our former bondage. This was especially good for me to hear. I must remember that He has freed me from bondage! I may be like the Israelites wandering in the desert waiting to go into the promised land. But I need not desire to go back to Egypt! I've been set free.

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord,

and He answered by setting me free."

--Psalm 118:5

What was your "bondage"? Remember...and be thankful.

Please pray for my friend...

Please pray for my friend Trish. She is a single mom with three children. She is having an incredibly bad day (this is an understatement, trust me). I don't have all of the details and we don't need to know all of the details to be able to lift her to the Lord.



Just knowing what I do know (very little), she is so heavy on my heart tonight. Please join my in praying for her and her children.

Wiggly teeth, bad moods, and new glasses!

Today has been a busy running around day.

I took Candy Man back to the dentist (go figure with a name like Candy Man!!). He has another abscessed tooth. Turns out his adult molars are coming in early and there is infection between one of the adult molars and the baby molar. The dentist prescribed antibiotics and said to come back in a week if the tooth hasn't fallen out. So he's been instructed to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle it!

I took him to school late and came home to work for a bit. Then I picked up GameMaster early from school and took him for an eye appointment. His vision has changed quite a bit in a year, so he got new glasses. We fought all the way to the eye doctor and in the office as well. He was so grumpy (and I quickly was too, I admit). So I took him to lunch and that helped a great deal!! (Men when they are hungry!)

Now we are off to karate so he can let off some steam there (I hope!). Here he is with his new glasses:

I'll live!

I had the CT scan this afternoon. All is normal. I just have a concussion. Not too serious. No bleeding on the brain or anything. So that's good.

My friend Lisa has instructed me to take a nice relaxing evening to myself - including a bath (which my children will tell you is VERY rare for me - I do shower though;). I think I will do that. I'm so tired from this headache! Hopefully it will go away soon!

Brain scan this afternoon...

Short update: Doctor says I definitely have a concussion. I'm having a scan this afternoon to determine what is going on exactly.

My brain hurts!

I've not blogged this week. I really want to though. Saturday night, on my great date, I hit the back of my head on this picture frame (hung too low) at the restaurant. I've had a headache ever since. I've been trying to get through the days, and do okay until mid-afternoon. I keep thinking that it will go away, but it's obviously not yet.

My friend Lisa pointed out to me yesterday that if it were one of my children having the same symptoms that I was having, I would've had them at the doctor already. Very true. So I called this morning and will be seeing my doctor later today.

I just don't have time for this. I know they are going to want to do a CT scan. This is so messed up - but I'm really afraid that something is really wrong, but since I don't have time to deal with it I don't want to know. As if my delay couldn't cause worse problems for me!? I know.

Anyway, I haven't been avoiding you on purpose. I just don't feel good. I'm sorry. I'll keep you updated on what I find out today...

On a brighter (and whiter) note - we got some snow this morning. Of course the worst of it was after the kids were at school. They were so disappointed that school wasn't closed!

I went on a date!

I had a very special date tonight! I just had to share it with you! We had a very sweet time together!

We laughed. We shared. We had fun. And we had very serious conversations too.

He shared his heart with me tonight and I feel so close to him. I can't express how special he is to me.

I can't wait for our next date. I am certain he feels the same way.

I really care for him. In fact, I love him deeply.

He is my son. My 10 year old son. I am so not ready for a date with anyone else but my precious boys right now!

Did I have you going for a moment? Or were you on to me?

GameMaster will have an MRI

I just got online to start reading about the possibilites of what could be going on inside of GameMaster's brain. Not a good idea. I'm not going to go there.

We have returned from seeing a child neurologist today (finally). He feels like an MRI needs to be done. Even though the pain is sporadic and not as severe now, there is a cause for it. If the MRI shows nothing, then we may never know what the cause is. If the MRI detects something, it probably won't be a good thing.

So, we will wait for the testing. He said it will take a couple of weeks to get in for the test.

Meanwhile, the kids are out of school today and tomorrow for illness in the schools. So we have a four day weekend!! Too bad it is cold and dreary outside.

I'm taking GameMaster to a Martial Arts class tonight. He's never been before. A close friend's teenage son takes classes there and has recommended it for GameMaster. So we are going to check it out. This sweet teenager is going with us to help GM feel better about it.

We had a little breakthrough this morning. GM and I were talking and I told him that he couldn't do anything until he got his schoolwork done. He got angry with me about that and said, "I'm mad at you!" I got so excited! (It was really kind of funny. He didn't know what to do.) I asked him why he was mad and he told me. We talked about it and ended up hugging! I told him how proud I was of him for expressing his anger, instead of stomping off and letting it boil within him - and taking it out on one of his siblings. He felt really good about it and we were all cool. We will keep working on it...

Oops! I did it again!

I've done it again! I broke my toe yesterday! Again! If my feet weren't so dang long this wouldn't happen to me so much!! So, I'm freezing my toes off today in flip flops (it's 38 degrees right now). I can't find a shoe that will work.

*

I was singing to my ducklings this morning, "I'm so blu-hu-hu, blu-hu-hu, blu-hu-hu-huuuuuu! I don't know what to do!" (You know - from Veggie Tales Madame Blueberry.) Of course, I'm not blue, just my toe is....

*

I'm off to Bible Study!!!

A lot to say...

Where to start? Where to start? I need to review everything that I've learned about myself over the last few days. If I don't, I'll just forget it and move on without it changing me!

I learned that my oppression during my children's sicknesses is caused by none other than ME! I completely lose hope - as if the world has ended and I'll never be able to do anything again. Last week, after being home with Princess (with strep) from Sunday until Tuesday, and then finding out on Thursday that she also had the flu. I gave in to the depression and decided that I wouldn't get to do all of the things over the weekend that I was so looking forward to! I didn't even wait to see what might happen. Then when Princess woke up fever-free on Friday morning, I didn't know what to do with myself. It was all I could do to pull myself back out of the pit and look forward to the weekend again. I'd lost momentum and given up! Then when everything was restored, I wasn't!

Lessons to learn: Don't ever give up! Live one moment at a time. God is in control and has the best plan for my future. Don't try to figure it all out ahead of time.

At the Single Mom's Conference I learned a couple things...

Brenda Warner was the speaker. Her story of being a single mom (in low-income housing, on food stamps, with 2 children, one of which was severely disabled), her parents dying during this difficult time (in a tornado no-less!!), and her healing and new life as Kurt Warner's wife (You can read their story here.) was very encouraging and uplifting. It made me feel so much better. Even in the mistakes that I am making, God will use those for good - for me and my children. I've been kicking myself so much for every little thing that I haven't been for my children, or myself!

Lessons to learn: God is in control. He wants to work for our good. I must trust in Him, that even in these times He wants to bless us, provide for us, and prepare us for our future. Which leads to...I don't have to know what the future will be.

In a Breakout Session at the conference I attended a talk on Forgiveness. This was very good for me, but even better...God used it to open my eyes about what GameMaster is going through. One of the statements was... "Unresolved hurt and anger lead to many types of defenses: exaggerating, a critical attitude, rationalization, excessive shyness, perfectionism, workaholism, or pleasing others. The breakdown of these defense mechanisms results in a life-style of depression, bitterness and excuse-making." I am better able to see what is going on inside him now. We've talked twice since learning this. It will take time. He has so much hurt and anger, it is hard for him to get past the last incident that hurt him (which may be as simple as his brother looking at him wrong). I feel better equipped to help him forgive.

In addition to this... I took another Breakout Session on Peace in the midst of Pain. I wish I'd taken this one a year ago!! God revealed the root of my self-pity and the other problems that it has been causing me! My self-pity was really rooted in anger. I realized how mad I have been at Martin for allowing this to happen and for not feeling more sorry for me! And to add to that (and this is more hard to admit), I've been mad at you (yes, you) for not feeling more sorry for me. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I just couldn't understand why no one else felt sorry for me. Then when someone actually did show their pity, I spiralled into greater self pity - I was validated! What a mess!

Lessons to learn: God will always guide me and show me how to help my children. I need to spend time with GameMaster - frequently - and help walk him through a path of forgiveness. I need to pray and ask for God's help for him daily. I need to forgive Martin. I need to forgive you. I need to forgive my church (what was my church during this time). I need to take my thoughts captive and not allow myself to go down a path of self-pity! I need to learn to be content with God alone. I need to learn that God is enough to sustain me when all else might fail me.

And then I went to small group at church on Sunday morning to the "DOK - Daughters of the King". Our leader talked on taking our walk one step and a time and how God will sometimes just show us the next step we need to take and how sometimes He shows us farther down the path. We read many scriptures on letting Him guide us, trusting Him and waiting on Him. Like:

"A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?" --Proverbs 20:24

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" --Isaiah 30:18

I don't know what my future looks like. The only things that I know are for this year:

1. God has ensured me that I am to be a worker from home right now and that He will provide for us.

2. I know that I am to be seeking Him and opportunities to grow closer to Him - through church, quiet times, Bible study, small group, Christian relationships, service and any other possibility that He may send my way.

3. I am to continue to provide a stable home environment for my children. I need to spend frequent time with GameMaster and help him to overcome what he is struggling with.

That's it! That is all I know right now. And I'm perfectly okay with that.

Lessons to learn: God is in control. He has my future all planned and all I have to do is wait to see what it will be. I need to seek after Him to guide me and show me His path for me. I need to be content with what He shows me and what He doesn't show me.

So, I think that is enough. Don't you? How is that for an open book? Anything else you want to know about me? If I know, I'll tell you. Sometimes I think that other people know me much better than I know myself. I'm just not very in tune with myself. This weekend helped me to see inside myself quite a bit. Now I just need to grow through it!

It's looking good...

Well, it's looking good for me to get to attend the Single Mom's Conference afterall!!

*

My friend Elisabeth was looking at going to the conference by herself, so she asked her mom to keep my Princess for me! She said yes! She's bringing a mask and Lysol with her! This all happened last night.

*

Now, Princess is up this morning - fever-free! If she remains fever-free, she can just go with us and the weekend is back on! I kinda don't expect this though...

*

What is really strange about the whole thing is how I went through all of the phases of acceptance yesterday. By the end of the day, I had accepted that I'd be home all weekend and was prepared for the isolation. Then Elisabeth called with this idea and now I'm having to work up my excitement about it again. I'm so strange. It's like I'd given in to the isolation. Now I'm having a hard time getting back out of that pit. That fast! Isn't that weird!?

Happy Valentine's Day

Well, Princess has the flu!! Poor baby! Strep and the flu! She feels lousy!

I'm so bummed! I had plans tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday! Saturday is the Single Mom's Conference!! I needed that so bad! It's only once a year. I hate to miss it! Sunday is my single mom's small group and church. I'll have to miss it all!

I'm just plain old mad about it!

Poor GameMaster...

I just got a call from GameMaster from school.

He whispers, "I need to come home. Some stuff is happening."

I respond, "What is happening?"

(I've been working on the computer all morning listening to Nashville's Christian Radio Station and it is snowing and icing there. I've gotten confused a couple of times hearing about it before realizing that I'm listening to another city's station! So at first I think it's weather related. What an air-head!)

He whispers again, "Mom, please."

(I remember that the weather is fine here and think more like a mom. I think something bad has happened at school. His teacher is in one of her lovely moods. A student is bullying him. What?!?)

I ask, "Honey, what is happening?"

He responds, "I'm having a hard time concentrating on my work. I'm seeing flashes of green and my eyes hurt."

How do I tell my sweet baby that he has what is called 'stress' with a great deal of 'mom is working from home now, so why can't I just stay home with her?'. My heart hurts for him. He's absolutely hating school. He's beginning to get mad at me again, because I'm the bad guy who makes him go.

Oh, how I need wisdom as a mother!

It finally broke!

Princess' fever was still 103 early this morning! But it is gone now. And I do not find it a coincidence that her temperature was 96.7 (lower than usual, I might add) at noon - the exact time that my Bible Study was over!!

My sweet friend Lisa, whom I am taking this study with called to check on us. She helped me "fill in my blanks" in my workbook. She also shared with me the encouragement I would've received had I gotten to go this morning (which of course is why I DIDN'T get to go!). It turns out that our group leader was a struggling single mom for awhile too. We have two other single moms in the group as well. Anyway, two of them shared today about trusting God through that. Don't you think that would've been really encouraging for me to hear that!?

Oh well. At least she is doing better...

Did you expect this?

How many times have I told you my biggest disappointments come when my children get sick? If you've been reading my blog from the beginning, then you've heard this many times before. I've probably blogged about this more than any other topic in fact!! Ha!

Should've seen it coming! Did you see it? I didn't see it, but I should've expected it! The enemy attacks once again! (As if he doesn't know that my Savior has already won!!)

Princess has strep. She's had a very high fever (as high as 104 at times!) - poor baby. She's puny, to say the least. But! Seeing how the flu is going around and that would last way longer than strep, we'll take it! I'm honestly relieved that it isn't the flu. She started the antibiotics today and should be feeling much better by tomorrow evening.

Meanwhile, I've stocked up on girly princess movies for her to watch - like this, this and this! We've got the most-liked bubble gum flavored Tylenol and Motrin, as well as the nasty-flavored white-chalky (no choices on this one!) Augmentin. So we should be just fine!

Except of course, tomorrow is my Bible study day! Of course I won't get to go. I had a lunch date afterwards too. So, bum!

I still won't let this get me down!!

New group, New faces, Old feeling!

I went to a new small group this morning. It is for single women. The group leader has a special heart for single moms. It was wonderful!

I will never forget the very first women’s small group that I went to (at another church). I cried all of the way home. It scared my husband to pieces when I walked through the door crying. I just couldn’t believe how great the group was and how nice they were and how safe I felt. I didn’t say a word during the group, but held it all in for the ride home and him!! (Thank you Heidi, January, Maria, Lynn, and Becca - I will never forget that night!)

That is exactly like I felt today! I didn’t say a word. I did have to fight crying several times. I just can’t explain what it felt like to feel safe with them. To hear the verses they were studying. To sit by another single mom. I just felt embraced by God in these ladies presence. I don’t know how else to say it!

I really enjoyed the church service more too. It was nice to sit in the middle of a row surrounded by these new friends. I look forward to going again and getting to know these ladies more! What a blessing!

God is my everything!

Do I believe that? Honestly? No. I just can't figure that one out.

I do know that I wanted my husband to be my everything. Obviously he could never fulfill that expectation. And so I was in constant disappointment over him and his lack of fulfilling me. (Not fair to him. I know.)

So, now who or what can be my everything?

In today's Bible Study, Psalm 121:1 says:

"I raise my eyes toward the mountains.

Where will my help come from?"

*

My paraphrase is, "I look at all of my problems. Where can I get help? Who will help me?" I used to want my husband to help me. He didn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't. I certainly can't even look for him to help me now.

*

Who will help? I certainly need help. I think my biggest need right now is that I need someone to help me encourage my oldest son at school. He is discouraged and just trying to get by in his schoolwork because he doesn't like all of the work. He's bored with all of the busy work. I can't get it into his head the importance of his education. I think he needs a man in his life as an example of this and teaching him this. I'm his mom. He doesn't want to hear it from me anymore, you know? He is so discouraged and he needs more than just me.

*

Well, it is no one elses responsibility to be this for my son. I am doing the best that I know to do. I'm talking with his teacher almost daily. I'm talking with him daily. I'm praying all day for him. What else can I do? Who else CAN help?

*

Psalm 121:2 says,

*

"My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth."

*

So, I get that. My help comes from God. GameMaster's help comes from God. What does that look like? How can God help him if he doesn't want God's help? I think this is my bigger concern anyway... It seems like his heart has hardened so much over the last few years. This saddens me more than anything else!! He used to be such a happy, expressive Jesus-follower. Now, his faith is hurt. I've encouraged and encouraged and prayed and prayed (and will not give up praying and encouraging...).

*

Psalm 121 assures me that God is my Maker and my Protector. I even believe that for myself today. I must believe that it is true for my GameMaster too...please protect him and bring him back to you, God.

*

Who (or what) is your everything?

Woe to me?

Oh no! I've been saying that for too long! No woe to me anymore!

That is the title of yesterday's bible study: Woe to me! We studied Psalm 120. She gave us permission to have a "woe to me" moment with God concerning some of the things we've been enduring. I guess I'm done with that, because all I could do was praise Him through this Psalm!!

Psalm 120 is about asking for God's help for deliverence from a liar and deceiver; and God's punishment for them and protection for us. She told us it was okay to complain to God. Well...been there...done that.

All I could think was that He has delivered me from a liar. Listen to the first two verses... This was the cry of my heart for the last two years of my marriage...

I'm in trouble. I cry to God,

desperate for an answer;

"Deliver me from the liars, God!

They smile so sweetly but lie through their teeth."

*

You know what? He answered that prayer! So what have I been complaining about? Here's what... MY PLAN was for Him to answer that prayer by making my husband into the man of integrity that I longed for him to be. Well, I guess he wasn't willing to be that. So, God delivered me anyway. It just isn't what I thought it'd look like. I haven't really and truly realized this so clearly before this week.

*

God set me free.

*

Now, my life may still be hard. I may still be poorer than I've ever been. I may still be a single parent with three children and not enough time, energy, arms, eyes, laps, instructions, advice, etc..., etc... to meet all their needs. I may still get so lonely. But I can still rejoice in the fact that...

God heard me.

*

I honestly didn't think He was listening to me anymore. Now I understand. He heard me. It may not look like what I wanted, but it's still okay. I have freedom in Christ. Freedom from the bonds of deception and lies in my own home. And I can praise God for my circumstances!

(Somebody remind me of this post the next time I get on the self pity kick...)

God is working on me!

I am almost overwhelmed! I am realizing so much about myself, about my situation, about God right now. It feels as though my eyes are opening again!

I'm scared! First of all, I have been in a pit for the last two years. And I wanted to stay there! Seriously! I haven't realized it. But somehow it was comfortable and safe. But terribly miserable at the same time! I have felt so sorry for myself. But see, if I stay at the bottom, then I can't get hurt or disappointed or let down. I have no expectations of things being any better. It is just miserable, but that's okay...cause at least I can feel sorry for myself!

Well, for whatever reason, God has let me stay there and wallow in it! Maybe to get it out of my system? I've just not been ready to get out yet. But that has changed! I feel myself becoming more alive! More on fire for Jesus again! I'm ready to receive His grace and love!

I have to tell you more later about what He has shown me in the last few days through this new Bible study that I'm doing. I'm so amazed and I think you will be too! Who knows!? You'll probably be like, duh! That was so obvious. Where have you been? Ha! (I was in the pit, remember?)

Rainy Days and Mondays

Okay. I know it's not Monday. It's Wednesday. But the kids were out of school yesterday and it feels like a Monday. Back to work. Back to school. Back to laundry. Back to tiredness. And it has rained all morning. Even our sweet energetic Duncan feels it:

Game Master update

Several of you have been asking about my oldest and how he is doing. I'm not sure what to say exactly...

His pain was pretty constant there for a couple of weeks. It comes and goes now, but seems more tolerable.

We had a big talk about a week ago (after he missed almost two weeks of school). He admitted to me that he does have the pain, but that he was using that as an excuse to stay home with me. I have been working from home since they returned to school in January. He didn't understand why I wouldn't let him stay home with me and home school him. Of course, he'd never asked or expressed himself in this way... I explained to him why I had to work and that I wouldn't be able to spend the time with him that he needed. We discussed his fears for middle school and I shared with him that I've been praying and looking into the possibilities of sending him to a private Christian school next year. This made him feel a lot better.

He complains much less now about the pain. I will decide later this month if we still need to go to the neurologist on the 21st.

Meanwhile, I'm giving him some extra TLC and making sure to hear him out more. I'm praying for a miracle scholarship for him to attend this very special school that I feel would be so perfect for him!

I'm stepping up!

I'm so excited to say that I began my first Beth Moore Bible Study today. I have done many studies, and always wanted to do one of hers, but really never had the opportunity! Of course, I've heard so many good things about her studies. At one point, there was one woman in my life who talked more about Beth Moore than she did about God. That kinda turned me off, I admit.

I have been visiting another church for the last month. I found that they have a small group for single women that meets on Sunday mornings before church. This appeals to me greatly (both the single women part and the Sunday morning part)! I have a neighbor and good friend that attends this church and she invited me to this Beth Moore Bible Study with her. I was thrilled to be able to go. It helps me so much to be able to go with her too!!

We are doing her new study, "Stepping Up: A Journey Through the Psalms of Ascent". I learned so much from just the introduction today. I'm really excited about digging into the word of God with a group of women! I learned the basic idea that our life is a pilgrimage. We will not be in our current circumstances forever. (whew! what a relief!)

More than anything, I was encouraged and motivated to do this to the full extent and grow from it. I'm really looking forward to it!! It's been so long since I've felt like I could commit to a study like this!

On a related note, this sweet neighbor and dear friend of mine...I want to say an 'old' friend of mine, but please understand that we've been friends for a long time and I'm not referring to her age in anyway!! It seems that God has put her in my life at certain times for specific reasons. I'm so blessed by our friendship and so thankful that we can always catch up quickly and take off where we left off... Old friends are really the best friends, aren't they? I'm praying for you, my sister.

I met her.

Okay. So I met her.

It was really no big deal. I feel sorry for her, actually.

The kids were nice to her. They didn't make eye contact with her though. Princess asked her and I what we would do if our boyfriend broke up with us. (where did that come from?!??) Her cheerleading coach was standing nearby and came to the rescue with "buy new clothes and get a tattoo!" I just laughed!

In the words of Forrest Gump, "I don't have anything else to say about that."

I have to meet her.

Well, I knew the day would come eventually.

It looks like tomorrow is the day.

For months, ever since the kids found out that their dad was getting married, they've wanted nothing to do with her. They wouldn't even talk about it! They just weren't ready.

Martin began pushing for them to meet her. I told him that I was not going to make them. I know he felt like it was me who didn't want to meet her. Certainly there is truth to that. Who wants to meet their husband's new wife!? But this wasn't about me. It was about my ducklings.

In November, I recall telling him that the children would certainly be ready to meet her long before I would. I told him that when they were ready, I would not hold them back from that.

Well, they've let me know they are interested in meeting her. And thus... Now it is about me!

Martin and his bride will be attending part of the kid's basketball games tomorrow. We will all get to meet her.

This could be a big turning point in our relationships. For the last year, the only times Martin has seen the kids has been in my presence (court order, as well as the children's request). They are becoming more comfortable around him again. If they are comfortable around his wife, then they may feel ready to visit them at their home.

Okay. Stop right there. There are two things to say about this. One: is my selfish side. I have had very little "time off" as a mom in the last year. There is a part of me that likes the idea of the kids going to spend a weekend with their dad every once in awhile, you know? But it is a dreamy wish...I must admit. Because...

Two: I've worked so hard in the last year to help my children heal and grow into strong human beings again. I'm scared. He has not been a very good father. I don't know how much I want them to be around someone like him. I think it'd be a hard recovery time every time they went to see him.

And yet, he is their dad. What do you do?

Oh yeah, pray.

I realize I'm jumping way ahead in the process. For now, we are just meeting in a public place for a brief time. It is just another step in our journey...

I know what she looks like!

Well, I have finally seen a picture of my husband's wife! Want to know what I think?


Well, first of all. I know. He isn't my husband anymore. I just don't like that whole "ex-husband" thing! I don't want an "ex-husband"! I don't necessarily want to be married to him either, but I just hate that!! I don't call him my husband because I haven't let go. I have. I just don't want an "ex-husband". I think it is best to just call him Martin. So, let's rephrase that...


I went to lunch with a sweet friend (and enjoyed it so much!!). She hesitantly asked me if I'd seen a picture of Martin's new wife. Then told me where I could see it. She predicted that I'd be running straight home into my house and looking it up. She was wrong. I took a walk with my daughter and my dog first. (Then I ran straight into the house and looked it up!)


My friend told me she was surprised at the picture, that she wasn't what she'd expected. Funny, but I'm surprised too. I don't know why. I mean, she's a cute girl (when I say girl, I mean girl...she's just 23 years old). I don't really know what I was even expecting.


Somehow I feel better. Maybe it is just one more step in the whole process. Knowing what she looks like. I don't know. I have no hard feelings towards her at all. She didn't do this. It isn't her fault. She didn't "steal" my husband. This was his choice.


What I do feel for her is pity. I feel sorry for her. She is the exact age that I was when I started dating Martin. She must be feeling just like I did - that their whole life is ahead of them. That she has just married the greatest guy in the world. That life was going to be wonderful with him. I was so naive. He was good at convincing. I believed him. I believed in him. I saw his potential. I just never saw him live out his potential. He tried a few times, some of them were really good tries too. It just never happened.

She must see that potential in him now. She must see his charisma and believe in him. He must be good at convincing her that he can't see his children because I won't let him. Surely she doesn't know the truth of why he can't see his children alone.


Some people have said that she must be stupid to have fallen for him. Whenever someone says that, it hurts my feelings. Remember that I fell for him too!! Does that make me stupid? I don't believe that she is stupid. I believe that she is naive. I was naive. He is convincing. It is a good pair. Even if it is disastrous.


So, here is the lovely couple. My husband of 11 years. The father of my three beautiful children. With his new wife...his new life.

How does it make you feel?

The Well

Friday night I got to attend a Single Mom's Dinner at a church here in town. It is called The Well. They provide fun programs and pizza for our children and feed us moms a nice dinner. Then a speaker talks to us about issues that single mom's face.

First of all, this is a very difficult event for me to attend. I am full of good excuses not to go. Earlier last year I was angry. I didn't want to be a single mom. Hearing about single mom things made me mad. It broke the floodgates that I was working so hard to keep intact! My children still refer to this church as the place where mommy left crying! I didn't go back for a few months because of this.

Then, as I came to accept my place and my needs as a single mom, I struggled with going alone. Okay, I'm still struggling with that. After 11 years of marriage, you don't realize how dependant you get on your spouse to just "go with you". I hate going everywhere alone. Especially if I don't know anybody!!! So for a few more months, I didn't go because of this.

Then God brought along another single mom friend to go with me! (He said, "No More Excuses!") So we went. The speaker, Kim, just speaks right to my heart. Each month I leave encouraged and challenged. Not overwhelmed though. I take something that I can apply. Something doable. And I just feel better as a single mom. We are doing okay. We are going to be alright. I can be a godly mommy for my kids - no matter what else is going on.

Two months ago, my challenge was to get back into God's Word with my children. I had slowly gotten away from this. Our evenings were so rushed. My goal was always to get them into bed! At this event, I was reminded of the importance of ending our day together - in His Word and in prayer. I immediately applied this and began reading to them each night and praying together before bed. I first apologized to them, for not being the mom God wanted and they needed. They jumped right onto it (if nothing else, to stay up a little more each night!!). It quickly became such a blessing for each of us - a time of focus, learning, togetherness and sweetness. If I forgot, they were quick to remind me!

Now with the rush of Christmas and all the new "stuff" to play with...we've gotten lazy about it again. Maybe 2 days a week we do it. Princess still asks and I've actually said, it's too late, gotta get in the bed. I'm recommitting to do it! Starting today!!

Next time, I'll tell you about this month's talk. It is a juicy one. Well, maybe I'd better call it a not-juicy topic.... stay tuned.

No answers...

Now I don't know what is going on with Game Master! He went back to the doctor this morning. His blood work shows that he does NOT have shingles! He definitely has something neurological going on. His nerve root endings are VERY sensitive. He called me from school at 12:45 this afternoon and I had to go pick him up. At this point, we can't get in to see a pediatric neurologist until February 21!! They are trying to get him in earlier, but I'm not sure they will be able to...

Please pray for him for relief of his pain. Please pray for wisdom for me and the doctors to know what is going on. Please understand that I don't want to doubt my son, I really do believe he is in pain. However, sometimes I wonder if it is psychological. Please pray for me for God's guidance in knowing the truth.

I am so thankful for God's provision for us right now - that I can be home and be here for him during this time. I'm struggling enough with having time to work from home. There is no way I could be working outside of the home with this going on! I'd be a mess for sure!! God prepared the way...

Answers and change of plans...

Well, I thought I'd have more answers about Game Master's bizarre symptoms by this point. Still no rash. And the pain has spread into his left arm now. They couldn't get him an appointment with a neurologist until late February!!

He was examined by two pediatricians today and they feel very strongly that he has shingles. They sent us to Children's Hospital to have some labwork done. We won't have the results for about a week, but then we'll know for sure. I am pretty convinced that this is what he has though.

The good news? No school for the next four days anyway! We won't be traveling this weekend as we had planned (since we were visiting family where someone has lupus!!), but we'll still have a nice little "home vacation". Game Master can rest. I can get some things organized for Mama Duck's Nest. We are starting with a movie night - and going to watch this. And I've promised to make this tomorrow!

Have a good weekend!

God knew it was coming!

Isn't it funny sometimes how God will align things in your life for a reason? I'd be a mess right now if I was still working at my old job! Instead, I have peace! God is good.

Here is the deal! GameMaster has shingles! The poor guy has been in pain since Sunday. He still doesn't have a rash, but we are waiting on that at any moment. The rash will verify the diagnosis. If he doesn't have a rash by tomorrow, then we will go to a neurologist.

He came home early from school on Monday and isn't allowed to go back to school all week. If it is shingles, then he won't be going back for up to a few weeks!

So, now you know why I'd really be stressing. But, no! God knew! So, I'm home working anyway. GM is on the couch watching movies all day and resting (loopy on pain meds). I get to work and be a mom at the same time! How great is that!??

So, please be praying for my poor guy! I hope to know more tomorrow. The pediatrician will either see a rash or refer him to a neurologist. Either way! God is in control!

It's Hannah Montana!

My sweet daughter has been obsessed with hair for the last month! If I hear, "Mommy, do I have blond hair?" one more time I will scream! I've taken to answering it..."a little bit" - explained by the sun-bleached strands in the front (well, what's left of the hair in the front that she didn't chop off during her little misadventures last month...but that's another story for another time).

For one weekend just before Christmas, everyone that we encountered heard, "I want hair like Hannah Montana". It really was obsessive (ask anyone at Bri's birthday party)!!

That exact weekend, my parents spent most of their time shopping. At the end of the weekend, mom just happened to call to say..."we got Princess a Hannah Montana wig for Christmas, do you think she'll like it??"

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Mama Duck's Nest is open!

I'm so excited to announce my newest job! Go check out:

Mama Duck's Nest!!

I've sold several things in the last few days since opening. I am enjoying it thoroughly. So far, it is ALL scrapbooking stuff. There will be other stuff soon...

Be sure to mark me as a favorite and visit me often!

We wish you a very happy 2008!

I am praying for an AMAZING year for me and my little ducklings!

I know this last year has been our most difficult and I am able to see how far we've come. My main focus has been on my children and their healing and well-being. This year I'm going to add the focus of my healing and well-being.

I know that God has big things in store for us this year and I can't wait to see what happens!

Our theme for this year:

LIVE

LAUGH

LOVE

All at the same time!!

You are fired!

Well, I did what I thought was right.

I stood up for integrity.

I got fired for it.

I refuse to regret it.

God is using it to draw me nearer to Him. I trust Him.

We have been praying (begging may be a better word for it)... for another way. I have been unhappy in my job. I have been missing my children and feeling the need to be with them more. I think this is an answer to our prayers.

Bad timing (single mom, three kids, a week before Christmas). Definitely hurt my pride (I've never been fired before!). I was quite shocked at the way it all happened (I didn't do anything wrong. He even told me that I'll have no problem finding another job, since I'm such a great employee!?!?).

Wow. That is all I had to say. Wow.

Please pray for us as we seek God for His new way for us. I hope and pray for a way of financial provision where I can be home more for my children....

Be careful not to get caught up in the whole holiday busyness. People are more important than wrapping paper, decorations, cookies, laundry, dishes, traveling, arranging schedules...etc, etc... Don't miss the joy and the gift of our Savior Jesus during this time. I know I'm sure looking for Him in every moment today!!

The truth

I’m so sad about the person that I’ve become. I used to be sold-out for Jesus. Nobody could affect my attitude, because I was in love!! Everything that I did was for Him.

What happened? Why am I struggling so much to get that attitude back? I am harboring bitterness in my heart because of my silly circumstances. I am falling for the lie that since I can’t be a stay at home mom anymore that I’ve lost my purpose and can’t be what God wants of me. I am allowing Satan to have a stronghold on me, which I despise. I am letting life run me, instead of letting God run my life. Before, God had me in His Hands. Now, I feel like so much is up to me. I feel the burden of responsibility on my shoulders and can’t figure out how to let it go.

Most of the time, I feel like I am doing fine…surviving, you know? And then I read an e-mail or someone sends a card and I fall apart. It reminds me of how far away I am from God right now. So many times I say that I miss my old life. But friends remind me of how difficult that time really was with my husband. I realize now that I miss my old self and that relationship I had with Him.

Okay, I guess I needed to unload. I’m sorry. But needless to say, please pray for me. I miss my Lord…

A favorite saying

Heard today from one of my children...

"Mom, today was a really great day!! Well.....except for the parts that you weren't there."

Bless his heart! I love him so much!!

My holiday wish list is...

Prayer.

That is what we need.

We need:

Strength.

Perserverance.

Wisdom.

Guidance.

Peace.

Joy?

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!!

Asking for another way...

I know. I know. I need to update my blog again. Life is crazy as a single mom. In fact, I don't know how working moms that are married do it all! Oh, I guess they don't. Of course, truth be known, I didn't "do it all" as a stay at home mom either. But, boy! I came a lot closer! I sure felt a lot better at the job I was doing as a mom!

My oldest, Game Master, has a really tough teacher this year. It isn't the academics that are the problem (he made honor roll). It is her personality. They are really conflicting with each other. I met with the principal last week and requested a transfer to another class. I haven't heard back from her yet. It was pretty doubtful that I'd get my wishes...

Candy Man is doing great. He is still my sweet boy (except when other kids are watching now). He won a Citizenship Award at school for his sweetness.

Pretty Princess is doing well too. She's struggling with writing in school, but is catching on. I used a 'relaxer' on her hair for the first time on Saturday night and am really excited about the results! So much easier to do her hair now!

Me? Well, I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm stressed, most of the time. I'm bored a lot of the time. But it's all okay. I am getting better at this. I know we'll be okay. I miss a lot of my old life, but it doesn't do any good to dwell. We are still praying for "another way". There has got to be another way for me to make income and still be home more (or full time) with my children. But God has to bless it. We are asking him to show us another way, if it be His will...

Thank You, Don!!

I have to take a minute to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU to my friend's husband Don! He's been reading my blog and saw where I had asked for help. My yard looks better this evening than it has since I've moved in! It is so pretty - so evenly cut. I'm so thankful for the blessing he has given me.

And! He left a bag of clothes for my daughter on the front porch too! I'm so thankful for you, Don & Leeann!!

One of my children cried all the way home after picking them up from daycare (just a bad day....again). Two of them were arguing and fighting (over a water bottle for goodness sake!). When we pulled up to the house and they saw where someone had mowed the yard for us, the car got so quiet! They were stunned. All three children just kept asking, "who did it, mom?" It was a sweet blessing for them to hear that God had sent a friend to help mommy. The whole tone of our evening changed in that moment. The water bottle was shared, they helped each other with carrying their backpacks in. They are now quietly playing upstairs together and talking.

This sweet act of kindness may seem like a small thing to you, but it has affected me and my three in a much larger way...

Thank You! Thank You! I love you!!

I NEED HELP!!

Just a few weeks ago, I was out with two friends having coffee and they kinda lit into me about how I'm not asking for help when I need it...

Well, here is the thing...I feel like God hasn't given me more than I can handle, right? He knows where I am. He knew I'd be here. He's taking care of us. I can do this, right!??

Okay. Okay. How many times have I preached it (I'm sure YOU have heard it from me before yourself!!)... God uses others in our lives to help us. That is how we handle it. I know!

It's just that....I love to be used by God!! I want Him to use me in YOUR life!! I don't want to be needy!

But alas...I am. Maybe God can bless you by using you in my life. Here is the deal...I've done pretty good keeping my yard mowed all summer. (I admit that I have taken the drought as a personal blessing from God!! I am very serious!) But my grass is a bit too high due to the rain this week and I'm sick with sinus yuck! I tried to mow it this evening, and was coughing my head off the whole time. I had to quit. I barely made it into the house before throwing up. I had left the kids watching a little TV (this is one of my biggest obstacles to mowing...what do I do with my kids while I'm out there!?). They have now been traumatized! I jumped in the shower to try to cool myself off and stop the coughing/hacking/gagging/puking. It took several minutes, but I finally got myself under control.

Sorry to gross you out and all. So, I think it is obvious what my need is this week. I officially invite anyone over at anytime to mow my grass for me. I don't have to be here - help yourself! And so you know...the land behind and to the right of my mailbox (facing my house) is my property, almost to my neighbors fence and all the way to the curb.

I love you, my friends.

The latest!

I feel like my blog has become a way to update my friends. I guess that is okay. Some of you have been asking for it! So here it is...

Life is busy. Life is exhausting at our house... I'm managing to work one full time job, M-F, 8-5, at Hosenfeld Chiropractic. I worked there years and years ago and they are really close to my house. So this spring when I needed a job, it was natural to try there first. It made job hunting easy. I work in the Billing Office, which is seperate from their two locations where they see patients. Sometimes I fill in at their two offices working at the front desk, when people are out sick or whatever.

I've also been working from home part time for FAST Billing. I do medical billing from home in my spare time. Since school has started, I have very little spare time and don't know how much longer this job will be mine!

I also work from home part time for TSS Photography. My parent's own the local franchise and I work for them whenever I can to help them and make some extra money.

So, that is my three jobs.

Now for the "real" update... My children found out this week that their dad is getting remarried. It wasn't taken very well, to say the least. I called and asked Papa to come over and answer their questions and talk to them. They were withdrawing very quickly and I'm glad he came over. It forced them to deal with it. They still aren't happy about it, but they are talking about it, which is good.

Everyday is a challenge to keep each of them encouraged, motivated, and feeling loved. I have so little time with each of them individually. I'm learning how to make the time by staggering their bedtimes by age and keeping the older ones busy while spending some one-on-one with each child. I cherish this time with them. I think they do too...

I have had a couple of opportunities just this week to share my faith with friends, co-workers, and acquaintances. It feels good to be used by God, and not be the "needy" one all the time! October 1st will be the one year mark since Papa moved out and it all started. They say that the first year is the hardest. It has been really hard. I've thought many times that I wasn't going to make it. Those moments are becoming further and further apart now (Thank you God). I have hope!

The scoop on "daddy"

For the first time in a long time, GameMaster asked to call his daddy tonight. I've made a promise to never tell him no to this. And so I let him. They talked for over an hour. Mostly about SpongeBob episodes, I heard some joke telling, even some laughter. Never anything too serious. GameMaster was fine with it and I even heard him tell his daddy a couple times that he missed him.

CandyMan came in from playing outside and got to talk for a few minutes too. He's sort of oblivious...talked for a few minutes and then wanted off to get a snack.

He gave me the phone when he was done. He and I actually talked for a few minutes. I asked a lot of questions... Does Ashley have children? Has she been married before? How old is she? Does she want children? Have you set a date for the "wedding"? Where are you getting married? (Oh, did I tell you he's had a girlfriend? That he is living with her? And they are getting married? Yes, we've only been divorced for a month, you aren't mistaken...)

The answers were... no, no children. no, not married before. 23 (just!). yes, she wants children, but not for awhile. Yes, September 22 (this year!). In Gatlinburg.

Well, that is enough information for me for now.

I just can't get a break!

I was so excited this morning. Tomorrow is my birthday. This afternoon my mom was going to take my three little ducklings and pay for me to have my hair done (not just a quick cut like I try to slide into my schedule every 6-12 months!). I had actually found a babysitter (finally!) and was going out to dinner with a friend. It was all setup. What could go wrong!?

CandyMan threw up. Twice in the last hour. He's sick. Oh well. Cancelled the hair appointment. Cancelled mom. Cancelled the babysitter. Cancelled the friend. Going to stick around here all weekend and hold the bucket instead...

A better weekend!

This weekend was so much better than last weekend. Last weekend was spent at home with a dead car battery and a child in much pain! CandyMan's habits caught up with him and he ended up with three abscessed teeth and having to have surgery on Tuesday to fix him up. He's much better now.

We had friends over to play Friday night and to spend the night Saturday night. Today, we went to church and then to my parents...Grandma and Grandpa's house. They have bought a new pontoon boat! We had a picnic, went for a boat ride, swam in the lake, swam in their pool and ate homemade ice cream! What a day! It was beautiful too - just extremely hot!!

Back to the real world tomorrow... but it was a nice weekend!

We are Family!

Okay, so here is the good picture from my family reunion. I kinda like the silly picture better!! Ha! Click on the picture to enlarge it, if you want!

My wonderful family!

How can you beat a crazy family like this!?