I will not be discouraged!

Let's see...just yesterday I was talking about what a conqueror in Christ that I was! So what's next!? You got it! CandyMan has the flu. We've already been to the pediatrician this morning. Spring Break starts today and we are starting it with the flu!

I will not let the enemy get me down! I will not be discouraged! I will not miss a step on my journey this time!!

I have been restored!

I have been trying all week to get time and determine how to tell you about what happened earlier this week. Then all of a sudden this morning I just felt like I had to tell my "Daughters of the King" small group leader about it. I wrote it all out and sent it to her in an e -mail. Now I'm going to share it with you!

As you know, I’ve been doing the Beth Moore Bible Study with the Tuesday morning group. I did the last day’s homework on Monday night and it was an INCREDIBLE experience! God used it to reveal a stronghold in my life (which we have been hearing about at church and at our DOK small group!). One that I keep coming back to – over and over. And I really had never recognized it as a stronghold!

As briefly as possible – we were studying Psalm 132:1-10. But to understand the passage, she took us back through the Old Testament to read about what led up to this Psalm. Basically, it was a story of David’s heart and passion for God and his wanting to find the Ark of the Covenant and bring it to a permanent place in Jerusalem. They looked, but didn’t find it where they thought it would be. Then when they found it they put it on a cart attached to oxen to haul it. At one point on the journey it started to slide off and a man close by (Uzziah) put his hand on it to steady it and he died! This scared and angered David so much that he abandoned the trip and left the ark there. Eventually, he heard of the blessings that God was pouring out on the household where the ark had been left, and he got back on track and after studying the proper way of transporting the ark, continued the journey to bring the ark home.

This stood out to me as myself!! I was a married woman – seeking after the heart of God. I was praying and praying and doing everything that I thought God wanted of me. Despite my miserable marriage, I had joy in the Lord and faith in Him for my future. Then all of a sudden, He did something that I didn’t expect of Him. He ended my marriage instead of healing it! I was scared and angry. I tried to abandon my journey as a Christian because of it. I tried to take my life into my own hands. I was too afraid to trust Him!

I’ve done this before. Any time that God “behaves” in a way that is inconsistent with whom I think He is or should be, I freak out and “abandon the journey”. Of course, the good news is He doesn’t abandon me and I always come back to Him.

Anyway, Monday night I spent an amazing time in prayer and quietness before Him. I feel like He has restored me to the faith that I’ve known before. I am so grateful and in love with Him!

I just had to share that with you!!

Today was a good day!

Today was such a beautiful day here in East Tennessee! It was near 70 degrees this afternoon, sunny, and springy! I just love this weather! I look forward to having a little bit warmer mornings to have my quiet times on the deck!

Today was just one of those days when everything fell into place and I got a lot accomplished and I feel good about it. You know those kinds of days? I got a good night's sleep for starters. I got more transcription done than I've ever gotten done in one morning! I had a good healthy salad for lunch. I got my Bible study done today. And I even got several things posted on my eBay store this afternoon before the kids came home from school.

Then I cooked dinner. And I do not say this lightly. My children debated at dinner about how long it had been since I had cooked a nice meal and sat down to eat with them. I had no idea that it was such a big deal for them! Of course, we used to have a family sit down dinner almost every night before the "changes" happened. Now, I just cook for them and spend the time running back and forth from the stove giving seconds, getting more drinks, etc... Tonight I cooked pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans and crescent rolls. I put it all on the table and even sat and ate with them. They acted like it was Thanksgiving dinner or something! It was really funny! The best part about it was that I was appreciated!

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I got the dishes done, two of the kids have had their baths, and now we all have a little free time before gathering for our Bible Time. We've been reading the book of John. I'm trying to time it just right for Easter. We are really ahead of schedule, so it should work out. I've been amazed lately at how many times we've heard reference to John...whatever - on the radio, at church, different places! Every time, the kids are like, "Hey Mom! We just read that the other day in John 12" (or whatever!). Their minds are absorbing it. I love it!

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Two more days until Spring Break! They will be home with me for 10 days straight! I really hope for some warm days to do some fun things outdoors!!

I have been introduced...

My friend Lisa introduced me this morning to Idina Menzel. Okay, well not like really, in person - but to her music! She had a specific song in mind for me and she was right - I loved it!! You can check out the music video on the side bar over there. --------->

What a Day!

What a day we've had! I am exhausted (even though it is just almost 8pm in yesterday's time!).

We started bright and early this morning at a friend's church. I play in a handbell choir at her church and we played for both services this morning. Made for a long morning for the little ducklings!

GameMaster had a total meltdown on the way home about it all. And after we were home...for the next 30 minutes. Lots of tears shed. Lots of yelling (on his part, and a little on mine, I admit). Then he finally calmed down, apologized (so did I), and we got on with our afternoon. He had math homework that he got done pretty quickly without much argument (I guess he'd already gotten it out of his system?).

Then we went about trying to help poor Princess! Her first loose tooth has been driving her crazy and she was ready for it to come out. She preceded to scream and cry while we held her down and wiggled it. We'd stop and she'd lay down and get us to do it again!! She wanted it out, but she was scared. After about an hour of this, I said, "Enough!" And we started playing games instead!!

Princess and I made cookie bars (with peanut butter, oatmeal, chocolate chips, and white chocolate chips - yummy!). I cooked dinner. And then we seperated for some more playtime.

We ended our evening like most evenings at home with "Bible Time". We've been reading the book of John leading up to Easter. Tonight we read John 13. Then we each prayed. A nice ending to the day? Almost...

GameMaster got the bright idea to tie Princess's tooth to the Nerf dart and let her shoot her tooth out. She went along! It didn't work.

Then he tied her tooth to his radio control car. It made the car do a pop-a-wheelie, but said tooth stayed intact!! She giggled the whole time.

Then we really had a problem! We couldn't get the thread off of her tooth!!! So we went back to holding her down and wiggling and wiggling that tooth. At one point I looked up and CandyMan was pacing the floor with his hands folded under his chin - praying for her! It took almost another hour, but it finally popped out! Then she just looked at us and grinned!

I asked her if it hurt and she said no. Then what was all the screaming and crying about? She was afraid it was going to hurt! Oh. Okay. (Can't we relate?)

My gappy girl:

I am so proud!

We just got home from GameMaster's Martial Arts Class. We officially got signed up tonight and he got his uniform (a gi, I am told). You know what he said? "I am so proud of myself!" I am so proud too (and so thrilled to hear this from him!!)

Answered Prayer

Well, I've gotten a long-awaited answer. I met with the principal of FBA this morning. They are willing to give GameMaster the recommended 69% scholarship. That is a lot of money they are offering in a grant. It will still cost me a lot of money (at least to me).


I have prayed and prayed. I feel like this is where GM is supposed to be next year. It is another test of my "financial" faith to see if I trust Him to provide for that additional expense. Do I? Yeah, I think I do! Just last night, the ex-Papa Duck called to say that he had gotten a promotion at work. That means that we should be getting more child support then. How much you wanna bet that it is exactly the amount that we need each month to send GM to FBA!? That is just how my God works!
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On another note, Pretty Princess bit down into a piece of sausage at breakfast this morning and smiled at me really big. I was shocked by what I saw!! Her front bottom tooth had just laid straight to the left in front of the tooth next to it!! I made too big of a deal about it and scared her a little bit. I think she thought she was in trouble! Once I got to looking, you can see the adult tooth is peeking out of the skin behind it! She'll probably lose her first tooth at school today! Poor thing is completely freaked out by it, since she really hasn't had a significantly loose tooth to worry about! She was so cute with that tooth all crooked in front though!
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I'm taking GM to tour FBA this afternoon and see what he thinks. Then he is going to have his MRI done. We are praying that it will come back completely normal!

Busy, busy...

Lots going on here at the Duck's Nest!

I heard from FBA on GameMaster's scholarship. Well, sort of. I am meeting with the principal on Thursday to find out what they've determined. We are still praying for that miracle!

GameMaster has also been attending Aikijutsu classes (martial arts) the last few weeks. We have found a school that is Christ-centered. It is this man's ministry - to raise up boys into Christian men. Very cool! GM is really enjoying it and is ready to commit. We are talking to the owner on Thursday evening about that. Well, after he gets his MRI on his brain and cervical spine that afternoon.

I took our dog Duncan to have his haircut yesterday and realized that I hadn't had one in awhile either! So I went and got mine cut too. Of course, the dog's cut cost almost 4 times as much! What is with that!??!

I had Bible Study today and lunch with my friend Lisa afterwards. We have been enjoying each other's company so much. It is so good to have a Christian friend to discuss God, church, and our lives with. She is such a blessing to me. I love her so much!

When we go to lunch on Tuesdays I have my phone set at 2:45 to rush home to meet the school bus. Well at like 2:44 it started raining in sheets - sideways! Then my alarm went off. We dashed to the car (I offered to be a gentlewoman and pick her up, but she insisted) - giggling like little girls. Our fronts were barely wet, but our backsides were drenched (the rain was blowing into our backs)! It was so funny. Of course we started off the day with umbrellas and left them in the car! I don't know that they would've helped anyway!!

I've got some allergy yuck going on again. My sinuses are draining into my throat and it is getting all clogged up. Okay. Enough nastiness. I just pray it goes away quickly. And I am thankful that is the worst that I've gotten through these months of sickness every one else has experienced! I am thankful!!

Enough for me tonight! Time to start getting the ducklings ready for bed...

Pray for a miracle!

Please continue praying for my friend Trish. I have no update at this time.

In addition to this, please pray for a miracle! GameMaster and I have been praying for a miracle scholarship to a great Christian school. I talked to the First Baptist Academy today to find out the recommendations of the financial needs assessment - that was done through an independent company. The administrator told me that a very high percentage of scholarship has been recommended - so high that she needs to get the board's approval first! And the board meets tomorrow!!

I am taking the completed application, as well as a letter to the board, to her today. Please join us in praying for this miracle! We are praying for a full scholarship!

Remember...

There are so many passages in the Bible that call us to remember our past. In last week's Bible Study, Beth Moore talked about remembering our former bondage. This was especially good for me to hear. I must remember that He has freed me from bondage! I may be like the Israelites wandering in the desert waiting to go into the promised land. But I need not desire to go back to Egypt! I've been set free.

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord,

and He answered by setting me free."

--Psalm 118:5

What was your "bondage"? Remember...and be thankful.

Please pray for my friend...

Please pray for my friend Trish. She is a single mom with three children. She is having an incredibly bad day (this is an understatement, trust me). I don't have all of the details and we don't need to know all of the details to be able to lift her to the Lord.



Just knowing what I do know (very little), she is so heavy on my heart tonight. Please join my in praying for her and her children.

Wiggly teeth, bad moods, and new glasses!

Today has been a busy running around day.

I took Candy Man back to the dentist (go figure with a name like Candy Man!!). He has another abscessed tooth. Turns out his adult molars are coming in early and there is infection between one of the adult molars and the baby molar. The dentist prescribed antibiotics and said to come back in a week if the tooth hasn't fallen out. So he's been instructed to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle it!

I took him to school late and came home to work for a bit. Then I picked up GameMaster early from school and took him for an eye appointment. His vision has changed quite a bit in a year, so he got new glasses. We fought all the way to the eye doctor and in the office as well. He was so grumpy (and I quickly was too, I admit). So I took him to lunch and that helped a great deal!! (Men when they are hungry!)

Now we are off to karate so he can let off some steam there (I hope!). Here he is with his new glasses:

I'll live!

I had the CT scan this afternoon. All is normal. I just have a concussion. Not too serious. No bleeding on the brain or anything. So that's good.

My friend Lisa has instructed me to take a nice relaxing evening to myself - including a bath (which my children will tell you is VERY rare for me - I do shower though;). I think I will do that. I'm so tired from this headache! Hopefully it will go away soon!

Brain scan this afternoon...

Short update: Doctor says I definitely have a concussion. I'm having a scan this afternoon to determine what is going on exactly.

My brain hurts!

I've not blogged this week. I really want to though. Saturday night, on my great date, I hit the back of my head on this picture frame (hung too low) at the restaurant. I've had a headache ever since. I've been trying to get through the days, and do okay until mid-afternoon. I keep thinking that it will go away, but it's obviously not yet.

My friend Lisa pointed out to me yesterday that if it were one of my children having the same symptoms that I was having, I would've had them at the doctor already. Very true. So I called this morning and will be seeing my doctor later today.

I just don't have time for this. I know they are going to want to do a CT scan. This is so messed up - but I'm really afraid that something is really wrong, but since I don't have time to deal with it I don't want to know. As if my delay couldn't cause worse problems for me!? I know.

Anyway, I haven't been avoiding you on purpose. I just don't feel good. I'm sorry. I'll keep you updated on what I find out today...

On a brighter (and whiter) note - we got some snow this morning. Of course the worst of it was after the kids were at school. They were so disappointed that school wasn't closed!

I went on a date!

I had a very special date tonight! I just had to share it with you! We had a very sweet time together!

We laughed. We shared. We had fun. And we had very serious conversations too.

He shared his heart with me tonight and I feel so close to him. I can't express how special he is to me.

I can't wait for our next date. I am certain he feels the same way.

I really care for him. In fact, I love him deeply.

He is my son. My 10 year old son. I am so not ready for a date with anyone else but my precious boys right now!

Did I have you going for a moment? Or were you on to me?

GameMaster will have an MRI

I just got online to start reading about the possibilites of what could be going on inside of GameMaster's brain. Not a good idea. I'm not going to go there.

We have returned from seeing a child neurologist today (finally). He feels like an MRI needs to be done. Even though the pain is sporadic and not as severe now, there is a cause for it. If the MRI shows nothing, then we may never know what the cause is. If the MRI detects something, it probably won't be a good thing.

So, we will wait for the testing. He said it will take a couple of weeks to get in for the test.

Meanwhile, the kids are out of school today and tomorrow for illness in the schools. So we have a four day weekend!! Too bad it is cold and dreary outside.

I'm taking GameMaster to a Martial Arts class tonight. He's never been before. A close friend's teenage son takes classes there and has recommended it for GameMaster. So we are going to check it out. This sweet teenager is going with us to help GM feel better about it.

We had a little breakthrough this morning. GM and I were talking and I told him that he couldn't do anything until he got his schoolwork done. He got angry with me about that and said, "I'm mad at you!" I got so excited! (It was really kind of funny. He didn't know what to do.) I asked him why he was mad and he told me. We talked about it and ended up hugging! I told him how proud I was of him for expressing his anger, instead of stomping off and letting it boil within him - and taking it out on one of his siblings. He felt really good about it and we were all cool. We will keep working on it...

Oops! I did it again!

I've done it again! I broke my toe yesterday! Again! If my feet weren't so dang long this wouldn't happen to me so much!! So, I'm freezing my toes off today in flip flops (it's 38 degrees right now). I can't find a shoe that will work.

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I was singing to my ducklings this morning, "I'm so blu-hu-hu, blu-hu-hu, blu-hu-hu-huuuuuu! I don't know what to do!" (You know - from Veggie Tales Madame Blueberry.) Of course, I'm not blue, just my toe is....

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I'm off to Bible Study!!!

A lot to say...

Where to start? Where to start? I need to review everything that I've learned about myself over the last few days. If I don't, I'll just forget it and move on without it changing me!

I learned that my oppression during my children's sicknesses is caused by none other than ME! I completely lose hope - as if the world has ended and I'll never be able to do anything again. Last week, after being home with Princess (with strep) from Sunday until Tuesday, and then finding out on Thursday that she also had the flu. I gave in to the depression and decided that I wouldn't get to do all of the things over the weekend that I was so looking forward to! I didn't even wait to see what might happen. Then when Princess woke up fever-free on Friday morning, I didn't know what to do with myself. It was all I could do to pull myself back out of the pit and look forward to the weekend again. I'd lost momentum and given up! Then when everything was restored, I wasn't!

Lessons to learn: Don't ever give up! Live one moment at a time. God is in control and has the best plan for my future. Don't try to figure it all out ahead of time.

At the Single Mom's Conference I learned a couple things...

Brenda Warner was the speaker. Her story of being a single mom (in low-income housing, on food stamps, with 2 children, one of which was severely disabled), her parents dying during this difficult time (in a tornado no-less!!), and her healing and new life as Kurt Warner's wife (You can read their story here.) was very encouraging and uplifting. It made me feel so much better. Even in the mistakes that I am making, God will use those for good - for me and my children. I've been kicking myself so much for every little thing that I haven't been for my children, or myself!

Lessons to learn: God is in control. He wants to work for our good. I must trust in Him, that even in these times He wants to bless us, provide for us, and prepare us for our future. Which leads to...I don't have to know what the future will be.

In a Breakout Session at the conference I attended a talk on Forgiveness. This was very good for me, but even better...God used it to open my eyes about what GameMaster is going through. One of the statements was... "Unresolved hurt and anger lead to many types of defenses: exaggerating, a critical attitude, rationalization, excessive shyness, perfectionism, workaholism, or pleasing others. The breakdown of these defense mechanisms results in a life-style of depression, bitterness and excuse-making." I am better able to see what is going on inside him now. We've talked twice since learning this. It will take time. He has so much hurt and anger, it is hard for him to get past the last incident that hurt him (which may be as simple as his brother looking at him wrong). I feel better equipped to help him forgive.

In addition to this... I took another Breakout Session on Peace in the midst of Pain. I wish I'd taken this one a year ago!! God revealed the root of my self-pity and the other problems that it has been causing me! My self-pity was really rooted in anger. I realized how mad I have been at Martin for allowing this to happen and for not feeling more sorry for me! And to add to that (and this is more hard to admit), I've been mad at you (yes, you) for not feeling more sorry for me. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I just couldn't understand why no one else felt sorry for me. Then when someone actually did show their pity, I spiralled into greater self pity - I was validated! What a mess!

Lessons to learn: God will always guide me and show me how to help my children. I need to spend time with GameMaster - frequently - and help walk him through a path of forgiveness. I need to pray and ask for God's help for him daily. I need to forgive Martin. I need to forgive you. I need to forgive my church (what was my church during this time). I need to take my thoughts captive and not allow myself to go down a path of self-pity! I need to learn to be content with God alone. I need to learn that God is enough to sustain me when all else might fail me.

And then I went to small group at church on Sunday morning to the "DOK - Daughters of the King". Our leader talked on taking our walk one step and a time and how God will sometimes just show us the next step we need to take and how sometimes He shows us farther down the path. We read many scriptures on letting Him guide us, trusting Him and waiting on Him. Like:

"A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?" --Proverbs 20:24

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" --Isaiah 30:18

I don't know what my future looks like. The only things that I know are for this year:

1. God has ensured me that I am to be a worker from home right now and that He will provide for us.

2. I know that I am to be seeking Him and opportunities to grow closer to Him - through church, quiet times, Bible study, small group, Christian relationships, service and any other possibility that He may send my way.

3. I am to continue to provide a stable home environment for my children. I need to spend frequent time with GameMaster and help him to overcome what he is struggling with.

That's it! That is all I know right now. And I'm perfectly okay with that.

Lessons to learn: God is in control. He has my future all planned and all I have to do is wait to see what it will be. I need to seek after Him to guide me and show me His path for me. I need to be content with what He shows me and what He doesn't show me.

So, I think that is enough. Don't you? How is that for an open book? Anything else you want to know about me? If I know, I'll tell you. Sometimes I think that other people know me much better than I know myself. I'm just not very in tune with myself. This weekend helped me to see inside myself quite a bit. Now I just need to grow through it!

It's looking good...

Well, it's looking good for me to get to attend the Single Mom's Conference afterall!!

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My friend Elisabeth was looking at going to the conference by herself, so she asked her mom to keep my Princess for me! She said yes! She's bringing a mask and Lysol with her! This all happened last night.

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Now, Princess is up this morning - fever-free! If she remains fever-free, she can just go with us and the weekend is back on! I kinda don't expect this though...

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What is really strange about the whole thing is how I went through all of the phases of acceptance yesterday. By the end of the day, I had accepted that I'd be home all weekend and was prepared for the isolation. Then Elisabeth called with this idea and now I'm having to work up my excitement about it again. I'm so strange. It's like I'd given in to the isolation. Now I'm having a hard time getting back out of that pit. That fast! Isn't that weird!?

Happy Valentine's Day

Well, Princess has the flu!! Poor baby! Strep and the flu! She feels lousy!

I'm so bummed! I had plans tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday! Saturday is the Single Mom's Conference!! I needed that so bad! It's only once a year. I hate to miss it! Sunday is my single mom's small group and church. I'll have to miss it all!

I'm just plain old mad about it!

Poor GameMaster...

I just got a call from GameMaster from school.

He whispers, "I need to come home. Some stuff is happening."

I respond, "What is happening?"

(I've been working on the computer all morning listening to Nashville's Christian Radio Station and it is snowing and icing there. I've gotten confused a couple of times hearing about it before realizing that I'm listening to another city's station! So at first I think it's weather related. What an air-head!)

He whispers again, "Mom, please."

(I remember that the weather is fine here and think more like a mom. I think something bad has happened at school. His teacher is in one of her lovely moods. A student is bullying him. What?!?)

I ask, "Honey, what is happening?"

He responds, "I'm having a hard time concentrating on my work. I'm seeing flashes of green and my eyes hurt."

How do I tell my sweet baby that he has what is called 'stress' with a great deal of 'mom is working from home now, so why can't I just stay home with her?'. My heart hurts for him. He's absolutely hating school. He's beginning to get mad at me again, because I'm the bad guy who makes him go.

Oh, how I need wisdom as a mother!

It finally broke!

Princess' fever was still 103 early this morning! But it is gone now. And I do not find it a coincidence that her temperature was 96.7 (lower than usual, I might add) at noon - the exact time that my Bible Study was over!!

My sweet friend Lisa, whom I am taking this study with called to check on us. She helped me "fill in my blanks" in my workbook. She also shared with me the encouragement I would've received had I gotten to go this morning (which of course is why I DIDN'T get to go!). It turns out that our group leader was a struggling single mom for awhile too. We have two other single moms in the group as well. Anyway, two of them shared today about trusting God through that. Don't you think that would've been really encouraging for me to hear that!?

Oh well. At least she is doing better...

Did you expect this?

How many times have I told you my biggest disappointments come when my children get sick? If you've been reading my blog from the beginning, then you've heard this many times before. I've probably blogged about this more than any other topic in fact!! Ha!

Should've seen it coming! Did you see it? I didn't see it, but I should've expected it! The enemy attacks once again! (As if he doesn't know that my Savior has already won!!)

Princess has strep. She's had a very high fever (as high as 104 at times!) - poor baby. She's puny, to say the least. But! Seeing how the flu is going around and that would last way longer than strep, we'll take it! I'm honestly relieved that it isn't the flu. She started the antibiotics today and should be feeling much better by tomorrow evening.

Meanwhile, I've stocked up on girly princess movies for her to watch - like this, this and this! We've got the most-liked bubble gum flavored Tylenol and Motrin, as well as the nasty-flavored white-chalky (no choices on this one!) Augmentin. So we should be just fine!

Except of course, tomorrow is my Bible study day! Of course I won't get to go. I had a lunch date afterwards too. So, bum!

I still won't let this get me down!!

New group, New faces, Old feeling!

I went to a new small group this morning. It is for single women. The group leader has a special heart for single moms. It was wonderful!

I will never forget the very first women’s small group that I went to (at another church). I cried all of the way home. It scared my husband to pieces when I walked through the door crying. I just couldn’t believe how great the group was and how nice they were and how safe I felt. I didn’t say a word during the group, but held it all in for the ride home and him!! (Thank you Heidi, January, Maria, Lynn, and Becca - I will never forget that night!)

That is exactly like I felt today! I didn’t say a word. I did have to fight crying several times. I just can’t explain what it felt like to feel safe with them. To hear the verses they were studying. To sit by another single mom. I just felt embraced by God in these ladies presence. I don’t know how else to say it!

I really enjoyed the church service more too. It was nice to sit in the middle of a row surrounded by these new friends. I look forward to going again and getting to know these ladies more! What a blessing!

God is my everything!

Do I believe that? Honestly? No. I just can't figure that one out.

I do know that I wanted my husband to be my everything. Obviously he could never fulfill that expectation. And so I was in constant disappointment over him and his lack of fulfilling me. (Not fair to him. I know.)

So, now who or what can be my everything?

In today's Bible Study, Psalm 121:1 says:

"I raise my eyes toward the mountains.

Where will my help come from?"

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My paraphrase is, "I look at all of my problems. Where can I get help? Who will help me?" I used to want my husband to help me. He didn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't. I certainly can't even look for him to help me now.

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Who will help? I certainly need help. I think my biggest need right now is that I need someone to help me encourage my oldest son at school. He is discouraged and just trying to get by in his schoolwork because he doesn't like all of the work. He's bored with all of the busy work. I can't get it into his head the importance of his education. I think he needs a man in his life as an example of this and teaching him this. I'm his mom. He doesn't want to hear it from me anymore, you know? He is so discouraged and he needs more than just me.

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Well, it is no one elses responsibility to be this for my son. I am doing the best that I know to do. I'm talking with his teacher almost daily. I'm talking with him daily. I'm praying all day for him. What else can I do? Who else CAN help?

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Psalm 121:2 says,

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"My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth."

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So, I get that. My help comes from God. GameMaster's help comes from God. What does that look like? How can God help him if he doesn't want God's help? I think this is my bigger concern anyway... It seems like his heart has hardened so much over the last few years. This saddens me more than anything else!! He used to be such a happy, expressive Jesus-follower. Now, his faith is hurt. I've encouraged and encouraged and prayed and prayed (and will not give up praying and encouraging...).

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Psalm 121 assures me that God is my Maker and my Protector. I even believe that for myself today. I must believe that it is true for my GameMaster too...please protect him and bring him back to you, God.

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Who (or what) is your everything?

Woe to me?

Oh no! I've been saying that for too long! No woe to me anymore!

That is the title of yesterday's bible study: Woe to me! We studied Psalm 120. She gave us permission to have a "woe to me" moment with God concerning some of the things we've been enduring. I guess I'm done with that, because all I could do was praise Him through this Psalm!!

Psalm 120 is about asking for God's help for deliverence from a liar and deceiver; and God's punishment for them and protection for us. She told us it was okay to complain to God. Well...been there...done that.

All I could think was that He has delivered me from a liar. Listen to the first two verses... This was the cry of my heart for the last two years of my marriage...

I'm in trouble. I cry to God,

desperate for an answer;

"Deliver me from the liars, God!

They smile so sweetly but lie through their teeth."

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You know what? He answered that prayer! So what have I been complaining about? Here's what... MY PLAN was for Him to answer that prayer by making my husband into the man of integrity that I longed for him to be. Well, I guess he wasn't willing to be that. So, God delivered me anyway. It just isn't what I thought it'd look like. I haven't really and truly realized this so clearly before this week.

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God set me free.

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Now, my life may still be hard. I may still be poorer than I've ever been. I may still be a single parent with three children and not enough time, energy, arms, eyes, laps, instructions, advice, etc..., etc... to meet all their needs. I may still get so lonely. But I can still rejoice in the fact that...

God heard me.

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I honestly didn't think He was listening to me anymore. Now I understand. He heard me. It may not look like what I wanted, but it's still okay. I have freedom in Christ. Freedom from the bonds of deception and lies in my own home. And I can praise God for my circumstances!

(Somebody remind me of this post the next time I get on the self pity kick...)

God is working on me!

I am almost overwhelmed! I am realizing so much about myself, about my situation, about God right now. It feels as though my eyes are opening again!

I'm scared! First of all, I have been in a pit for the last two years. And I wanted to stay there! Seriously! I haven't realized it. But somehow it was comfortable and safe. But terribly miserable at the same time! I have felt so sorry for myself. But see, if I stay at the bottom, then I can't get hurt or disappointed or let down. I have no expectations of things being any better. It is just miserable, but that's okay...cause at least I can feel sorry for myself!

Well, for whatever reason, God has let me stay there and wallow in it! Maybe to get it out of my system? I've just not been ready to get out yet. But that has changed! I feel myself becoming more alive! More on fire for Jesus again! I'm ready to receive His grace and love!

I have to tell you more later about what He has shown me in the last few days through this new Bible study that I'm doing. I'm so amazed and I think you will be too! Who knows!? You'll probably be like, duh! That was so obvious. Where have you been? Ha! (I was in the pit, remember?)

Rainy Days and Mondays

Okay. I know it's not Monday. It's Wednesday. But the kids were out of school yesterday and it feels like a Monday. Back to work. Back to school. Back to laundry. Back to tiredness. And it has rained all morning. Even our sweet energetic Duncan feels it:

Game Master update

Several of you have been asking about my oldest and how he is doing. I'm not sure what to say exactly...

His pain was pretty constant there for a couple of weeks. It comes and goes now, but seems more tolerable.

We had a big talk about a week ago (after he missed almost two weeks of school). He admitted to me that he does have the pain, but that he was using that as an excuse to stay home with me. I have been working from home since they returned to school in January. He didn't understand why I wouldn't let him stay home with me and home school him. Of course, he'd never asked or expressed himself in this way... I explained to him why I had to work and that I wouldn't be able to spend the time with him that he needed. We discussed his fears for middle school and I shared with him that I've been praying and looking into the possibilities of sending him to a private Christian school next year. This made him feel a lot better.

He complains much less now about the pain. I will decide later this month if we still need to go to the neurologist on the 21st.

Meanwhile, I'm giving him some extra TLC and making sure to hear him out more. I'm praying for a miracle scholarship for him to attend this very special school that I feel would be so perfect for him!

I'm stepping up!

I'm so excited to say that I began my first Beth Moore Bible Study today. I have done many studies, and always wanted to do one of hers, but really never had the opportunity! Of course, I've heard so many good things about her studies. At one point, there was one woman in my life who talked more about Beth Moore than she did about God. That kinda turned me off, I admit.

I have been visiting another church for the last month. I found that they have a small group for single women that meets on Sunday mornings before church. This appeals to me greatly (both the single women part and the Sunday morning part)! I have a neighbor and good friend that attends this church and she invited me to this Beth Moore Bible Study with her. I was thrilled to be able to go. It helps me so much to be able to go with her too!!

We are doing her new study, "Stepping Up: A Journey Through the Psalms of Ascent". I learned so much from just the introduction today. I'm really excited about digging into the word of God with a group of women! I learned the basic idea that our life is a pilgrimage. We will not be in our current circumstances forever. (whew! what a relief!)

More than anything, I was encouraged and motivated to do this to the full extent and grow from it. I'm really looking forward to it!! It's been so long since I've felt like I could commit to a study like this!

On a related note, this sweet neighbor and dear friend of mine...I want to say an 'old' friend of mine, but please understand that we've been friends for a long time and I'm not referring to her age in anyway!! It seems that God has put her in my life at certain times for specific reasons. I'm so blessed by our friendship and so thankful that we can always catch up quickly and take off where we left off... Old friends are really the best friends, aren't they? I'm praying for you, my sister.

I met her.

Okay. So I met her.

It was really no big deal. I feel sorry for her, actually.

The kids were nice to her. They didn't make eye contact with her though. Princess asked her and I what we would do if our boyfriend broke up with us. (where did that come from?!??) Her cheerleading coach was standing nearby and came to the rescue with "buy new clothes and get a tattoo!" I just laughed!

In the words of Forrest Gump, "I don't have anything else to say about that."

I have to meet her.

Well, I knew the day would come eventually.

It looks like tomorrow is the day.

For months, ever since the kids found out that their dad was getting married, they've wanted nothing to do with her. They wouldn't even talk about it! They just weren't ready.

Martin began pushing for them to meet her. I told him that I was not going to make them. I know he felt like it was me who didn't want to meet her. Certainly there is truth to that. Who wants to meet their husband's new wife!? But this wasn't about me. It was about my ducklings.

In November, I recall telling him that the children would certainly be ready to meet her long before I would. I told him that when they were ready, I would not hold them back from that.

Well, they've let me know they are interested in meeting her. And thus... Now it is about me!

Martin and his bride will be attending part of the kid's basketball games tomorrow. We will all get to meet her.

This could be a big turning point in our relationships. For the last year, the only times Martin has seen the kids has been in my presence (court order, as well as the children's request). They are becoming more comfortable around him again. If they are comfortable around his wife, then they may feel ready to visit them at their home.

Okay. Stop right there. There are two things to say about this. One: is my selfish side. I have had very little "time off" as a mom in the last year. There is a part of me that likes the idea of the kids going to spend a weekend with their dad every once in awhile, you know? But it is a dreamy wish...I must admit. Because...

Two: I've worked so hard in the last year to help my children heal and grow into strong human beings again. I'm scared. He has not been a very good father. I don't know how much I want them to be around someone like him. I think it'd be a hard recovery time every time they went to see him.

And yet, he is their dad. What do you do?

Oh yeah, pray.

I realize I'm jumping way ahead in the process. For now, we are just meeting in a public place for a brief time. It is just another step in our journey...

I know what she looks like!

Well, I have finally seen a picture of my husband's wife! Want to know what I think?


Well, first of all. I know. He isn't my husband anymore. I just don't like that whole "ex-husband" thing! I don't want an "ex-husband"! I don't necessarily want to be married to him either, but I just hate that!! I don't call him my husband because I haven't let go. I have. I just don't want an "ex-husband". I think it is best to just call him Martin. So, let's rephrase that...


I went to lunch with a sweet friend (and enjoyed it so much!!). She hesitantly asked me if I'd seen a picture of Martin's new wife. Then told me where I could see it. She predicted that I'd be running straight home into my house and looking it up. She was wrong. I took a walk with my daughter and my dog first. (Then I ran straight into the house and looked it up!)


My friend told me she was surprised at the picture, that she wasn't what she'd expected. Funny, but I'm surprised too. I don't know why. I mean, she's a cute girl (when I say girl, I mean girl...she's just 23 years old). I don't really know what I was even expecting.


Somehow I feel better. Maybe it is just one more step in the whole process. Knowing what she looks like. I don't know. I have no hard feelings towards her at all. She didn't do this. It isn't her fault. She didn't "steal" my husband. This was his choice.


What I do feel for her is pity. I feel sorry for her. She is the exact age that I was when I started dating Martin. She must be feeling just like I did - that their whole life is ahead of them. That she has just married the greatest guy in the world. That life was going to be wonderful with him. I was so naive. He was good at convincing. I believed him. I believed in him. I saw his potential. I just never saw him live out his potential. He tried a few times, some of them were really good tries too. It just never happened.

She must see that potential in him now. She must see his charisma and believe in him. He must be good at convincing her that he can't see his children because I won't let him. Surely she doesn't know the truth of why he can't see his children alone.


Some people have said that she must be stupid to have fallen for him. Whenever someone says that, it hurts my feelings. Remember that I fell for him too!! Does that make me stupid? I don't believe that she is stupid. I believe that she is naive. I was naive. He is convincing. It is a good pair. Even if it is disastrous.


So, here is the lovely couple. My husband of 11 years. The father of my three beautiful children. With his new wife...his new life.

How does it make you feel?

The Well

Friday night I got to attend a Single Mom's Dinner at a church here in town. It is called The Well. They provide fun programs and pizza for our children and feed us moms a nice dinner. Then a speaker talks to us about issues that single mom's face.

First of all, this is a very difficult event for me to attend. I am full of good excuses not to go. Earlier last year I was angry. I didn't want to be a single mom. Hearing about single mom things made me mad. It broke the floodgates that I was working so hard to keep intact! My children still refer to this church as the place where mommy left crying! I didn't go back for a few months because of this.

Then, as I came to accept my place and my needs as a single mom, I struggled with going alone. Okay, I'm still struggling with that. After 11 years of marriage, you don't realize how dependant you get on your spouse to just "go with you". I hate going everywhere alone. Especially if I don't know anybody!!! So for a few more months, I didn't go because of this.

Then God brought along another single mom friend to go with me! (He said, "No More Excuses!") So we went. The speaker, Kim, just speaks right to my heart. Each month I leave encouraged and challenged. Not overwhelmed though. I take something that I can apply. Something doable. And I just feel better as a single mom. We are doing okay. We are going to be alright. I can be a godly mommy for my kids - no matter what else is going on.

Two months ago, my challenge was to get back into God's Word with my children. I had slowly gotten away from this. Our evenings were so rushed. My goal was always to get them into bed! At this event, I was reminded of the importance of ending our day together - in His Word and in prayer. I immediately applied this and began reading to them each night and praying together before bed. I first apologized to them, for not being the mom God wanted and they needed. They jumped right onto it (if nothing else, to stay up a little more each night!!). It quickly became such a blessing for each of us - a time of focus, learning, togetherness and sweetness. If I forgot, they were quick to remind me!

Now with the rush of Christmas and all the new "stuff" to play with...we've gotten lazy about it again. Maybe 2 days a week we do it. Princess still asks and I've actually said, it's too late, gotta get in the bed. I'm recommitting to do it! Starting today!!

Next time, I'll tell you about this month's talk. It is a juicy one. Well, maybe I'd better call it a not-juicy topic.... stay tuned.

No answers...

Now I don't know what is going on with Game Master! He went back to the doctor this morning. His blood work shows that he does NOT have shingles! He definitely has something neurological going on. His nerve root endings are VERY sensitive. He called me from school at 12:45 this afternoon and I had to go pick him up. At this point, we can't get in to see a pediatric neurologist until February 21!! They are trying to get him in earlier, but I'm not sure they will be able to...

Please pray for him for relief of his pain. Please pray for wisdom for me and the doctors to know what is going on. Please understand that I don't want to doubt my son, I really do believe he is in pain. However, sometimes I wonder if it is psychological. Please pray for me for God's guidance in knowing the truth.

I am so thankful for God's provision for us right now - that I can be home and be here for him during this time. I'm struggling enough with having time to work from home. There is no way I could be working outside of the home with this going on! I'd be a mess for sure!! God prepared the way...

Answers and change of plans...

Well, I thought I'd have more answers about Game Master's bizarre symptoms by this point. Still no rash. And the pain has spread into his left arm now. They couldn't get him an appointment with a neurologist until late February!!

He was examined by two pediatricians today and they feel very strongly that he has shingles. They sent us to Children's Hospital to have some labwork done. We won't have the results for about a week, but then we'll know for sure. I am pretty convinced that this is what he has though.

The good news? No school for the next four days anyway! We won't be traveling this weekend as we had planned (since we were visiting family where someone has lupus!!), but we'll still have a nice little "home vacation". Game Master can rest. I can get some things organized for Mama Duck's Nest. We are starting with a movie night - and going to watch this. And I've promised to make this tomorrow!

Have a good weekend!

God knew it was coming!

Isn't it funny sometimes how God will align things in your life for a reason? I'd be a mess right now if I was still working at my old job! Instead, I have peace! God is good.

Here is the deal! GameMaster has shingles! The poor guy has been in pain since Sunday. He still doesn't have a rash, but we are waiting on that at any moment. The rash will verify the diagnosis. If he doesn't have a rash by tomorrow, then we will go to a neurologist.

He came home early from school on Monday and isn't allowed to go back to school all week. If it is shingles, then he won't be going back for up to a few weeks!

So, now you know why I'd really be stressing. But, no! God knew! So, I'm home working anyway. GM is on the couch watching movies all day and resting (loopy on pain meds). I get to work and be a mom at the same time! How great is that!??

So, please be praying for my poor guy! I hope to know more tomorrow. The pediatrician will either see a rash or refer him to a neurologist. Either way! God is in control!

It's Hannah Montana!

My sweet daughter has been obsessed with hair for the last month! If I hear, "Mommy, do I have blond hair?" one more time I will scream! I've taken to answering it..."a little bit" - explained by the sun-bleached strands in the front (well, what's left of the hair in the front that she didn't chop off during her little misadventures last month...but that's another story for another time).

For one weekend just before Christmas, everyone that we encountered heard, "I want hair like Hannah Montana". It really was obsessive (ask anyone at Bri's birthday party)!!

That exact weekend, my parents spent most of their time shopping. At the end of the weekend, mom just happened to call to say..."we got Princess a Hannah Montana wig for Christmas, do you think she'll like it??"

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Mama Duck's Nest is open!

I'm so excited to announce my newest job! Go check out:

Mama Duck's Nest!!

I've sold several things in the last few days since opening. I am enjoying it thoroughly. So far, it is ALL scrapbooking stuff. There will be other stuff soon...

Be sure to mark me as a favorite and visit me often!

We wish you a very happy 2008!

I am praying for an AMAZING year for me and my little ducklings!

I know this last year has been our most difficult and I am able to see how far we've come. My main focus has been on my children and their healing and well-being. This year I'm going to add the focus of my healing and well-being.

I know that God has big things in store for us this year and I can't wait to see what happens!

Our theme for this year:

LIVE

LAUGH

LOVE

All at the same time!!