You are fired!

Well, I did what I thought was right.

I stood up for integrity.

I got fired for it.

I refuse to regret it.

God is using it to draw me nearer to Him. I trust Him.

We have been praying (begging may be a better word for it)... for another way. I have been unhappy in my job. I have been missing my children and feeling the need to be with them more. I think this is an answer to our prayers.

Bad timing (single mom, three kids, a week before Christmas). Definitely hurt my pride (I've never been fired before!). I was quite shocked at the way it all happened (I didn't do anything wrong. He even told me that I'll have no problem finding another job, since I'm such a great employee!?!?).

Wow. That is all I had to say. Wow.

Please pray for us as we seek God for His new way for us. I hope and pray for a way of financial provision where I can be home more for my children....

Be careful not to get caught up in the whole holiday busyness. People are more important than wrapping paper, decorations, cookies, laundry, dishes, traveling, arranging schedules...etc, etc... Don't miss the joy and the gift of our Savior Jesus during this time. I know I'm sure looking for Him in every moment today!!

The truth

I’m so sad about the person that I’ve become. I used to be sold-out for Jesus. Nobody could affect my attitude, because I was in love!! Everything that I did was for Him.

What happened? Why am I struggling so much to get that attitude back? I am harboring bitterness in my heart because of my silly circumstances. I am falling for the lie that since I can’t be a stay at home mom anymore that I’ve lost my purpose and can’t be what God wants of me. I am allowing Satan to have a stronghold on me, which I despise. I am letting life run me, instead of letting God run my life. Before, God had me in His Hands. Now, I feel like so much is up to me. I feel the burden of responsibility on my shoulders and can’t figure out how to let it go.

Most of the time, I feel like I am doing fine…surviving, you know? And then I read an e-mail or someone sends a card and I fall apart. It reminds me of how far away I am from God right now. So many times I say that I miss my old life. But friends remind me of how difficult that time really was with my husband. I realize now that I miss my old self and that relationship I had with Him.

Okay, I guess I needed to unload. I’m sorry. But needless to say, please pray for me. I miss my Lord…

A favorite saying

Heard today from one of my children...

"Mom, today was a really great day!! Well.....except for the parts that you weren't there."

Bless his heart! I love him so much!!

My holiday wish list is...

Prayer.

That is what we need.

We need:

Strength.

Perserverance.

Wisdom.

Guidance.

Peace.

Joy?

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!!

Asking for another way...

I know. I know. I need to update my blog again. Life is crazy as a single mom. In fact, I don't know how working moms that are married do it all! Oh, I guess they don't. Of course, truth be known, I didn't "do it all" as a stay at home mom either. But, boy! I came a lot closer! I sure felt a lot better at the job I was doing as a mom!

My oldest, Game Master, has a really tough teacher this year. It isn't the academics that are the problem (he made honor roll). It is her personality. They are really conflicting with each other. I met with the principal last week and requested a transfer to another class. I haven't heard back from her yet. It was pretty doubtful that I'd get my wishes...

Candy Man is doing great. He is still my sweet boy (except when other kids are watching now). He won a Citizenship Award at school for his sweetness.

Pretty Princess is doing well too. She's struggling with writing in school, but is catching on. I used a 'relaxer' on her hair for the first time on Saturday night and am really excited about the results! So much easier to do her hair now!

Me? Well, I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm stressed, most of the time. I'm bored a lot of the time. But it's all okay. I am getting better at this. I know we'll be okay. I miss a lot of my old life, but it doesn't do any good to dwell. We are still praying for "another way". There has got to be another way for me to make income and still be home more (or full time) with my children. But God has to bless it. We are asking him to show us another way, if it be His will...

Thank You, Don!!

I have to take a minute to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU to my friend's husband Don! He's been reading my blog and saw where I had asked for help. My yard looks better this evening than it has since I've moved in! It is so pretty - so evenly cut. I'm so thankful for the blessing he has given me.

And! He left a bag of clothes for my daughter on the front porch too! I'm so thankful for you, Don & Leeann!!

One of my children cried all the way home after picking them up from daycare (just a bad day....again). Two of them were arguing and fighting (over a water bottle for goodness sake!). When we pulled up to the house and they saw where someone had mowed the yard for us, the car got so quiet! They were stunned. All three children just kept asking, "who did it, mom?" It was a sweet blessing for them to hear that God had sent a friend to help mommy. The whole tone of our evening changed in that moment. The water bottle was shared, they helped each other with carrying their backpacks in. They are now quietly playing upstairs together and talking.

This sweet act of kindness may seem like a small thing to you, but it has affected me and my three in a much larger way...

Thank You! Thank You! I love you!!

I NEED HELP!!

Just a few weeks ago, I was out with two friends having coffee and they kinda lit into me about how I'm not asking for help when I need it...

Well, here is the thing...I feel like God hasn't given me more than I can handle, right? He knows where I am. He knew I'd be here. He's taking care of us. I can do this, right!??

Okay. Okay. How many times have I preached it (I'm sure YOU have heard it from me before yourself!!)... God uses others in our lives to help us. That is how we handle it. I know!

It's just that....I love to be used by God!! I want Him to use me in YOUR life!! I don't want to be needy!

But alas...I am. Maybe God can bless you by using you in my life. Here is the deal...I've done pretty good keeping my yard mowed all summer. (I admit that I have taken the drought as a personal blessing from God!! I am very serious!) But my grass is a bit too high due to the rain this week and I'm sick with sinus yuck! I tried to mow it this evening, and was coughing my head off the whole time. I had to quit. I barely made it into the house before throwing up. I had left the kids watching a little TV (this is one of my biggest obstacles to mowing...what do I do with my kids while I'm out there!?). They have now been traumatized! I jumped in the shower to try to cool myself off and stop the coughing/hacking/gagging/puking. It took several minutes, but I finally got myself under control.

Sorry to gross you out and all. So, I think it is obvious what my need is this week. I officially invite anyone over at anytime to mow my grass for me. I don't have to be here - help yourself! And so you know...the land behind and to the right of my mailbox (facing my house) is my property, almost to my neighbors fence and all the way to the curb.

I love you, my friends.

The latest!

I feel like my blog has become a way to update my friends. I guess that is okay. Some of you have been asking for it! So here it is...

Life is busy. Life is exhausting at our house... I'm managing to work one full time job, M-F, 8-5, at Hosenfeld Chiropractic. I worked there years and years ago and they are really close to my house. So this spring when I needed a job, it was natural to try there first. It made job hunting easy. I work in the Billing Office, which is seperate from their two locations where they see patients. Sometimes I fill in at their two offices working at the front desk, when people are out sick or whatever.

I've also been working from home part time for FAST Billing. I do medical billing from home in my spare time. Since school has started, I have very little spare time and don't know how much longer this job will be mine!

I also work from home part time for TSS Photography. My parent's own the local franchise and I work for them whenever I can to help them and make some extra money.

So, that is my three jobs.

Now for the "real" update... My children found out this week that their dad is getting remarried. It wasn't taken very well, to say the least. I called and asked Papa to come over and answer their questions and talk to them. They were withdrawing very quickly and I'm glad he came over. It forced them to deal with it. They still aren't happy about it, but they are talking about it, which is good.

Everyday is a challenge to keep each of them encouraged, motivated, and feeling loved. I have so little time with each of them individually. I'm learning how to make the time by staggering their bedtimes by age and keeping the older ones busy while spending some one-on-one with each child. I cherish this time with them. I think they do too...

I have had a couple of opportunities just this week to share my faith with friends, co-workers, and acquaintances. It feels good to be used by God, and not be the "needy" one all the time! October 1st will be the one year mark since Papa moved out and it all started. They say that the first year is the hardest. It has been really hard. I've thought many times that I wasn't going to make it. Those moments are becoming further and further apart now (Thank you God). I have hope!

The scoop on "daddy"

For the first time in a long time, GameMaster asked to call his daddy tonight. I've made a promise to never tell him no to this. And so I let him. They talked for over an hour. Mostly about SpongeBob episodes, I heard some joke telling, even some laughter. Never anything too serious. GameMaster was fine with it and I even heard him tell his daddy a couple times that he missed him.

CandyMan came in from playing outside and got to talk for a few minutes too. He's sort of oblivious...talked for a few minutes and then wanted off to get a snack.

He gave me the phone when he was done. He and I actually talked for a few minutes. I asked a lot of questions... Does Ashley have children? Has she been married before? How old is she? Does she want children? Have you set a date for the "wedding"? Where are you getting married? (Oh, did I tell you he's had a girlfriend? That he is living with her? And they are getting married? Yes, we've only been divorced for a month, you aren't mistaken...)

The answers were... no, no children. no, not married before. 23 (just!). yes, she wants children, but not for awhile. Yes, September 22 (this year!). In Gatlinburg.

Well, that is enough information for me for now.

I just can't get a break!

I was so excited this morning. Tomorrow is my birthday. This afternoon my mom was going to take my three little ducklings and pay for me to have my hair done (not just a quick cut like I try to slide into my schedule every 6-12 months!). I had actually found a babysitter (finally!) and was going out to dinner with a friend. It was all setup. What could go wrong!?

CandyMan threw up. Twice in the last hour. He's sick. Oh well. Cancelled the hair appointment. Cancelled mom. Cancelled the babysitter. Cancelled the friend. Going to stick around here all weekend and hold the bucket instead...

A better weekend!

This weekend was so much better than last weekend. Last weekend was spent at home with a dead car battery and a child in much pain! CandyMan's habits caught up with him and he ended up with three abscessed teeth and having to have surgery on Tuesday to fix him up. He's much better now.

We had friends over to play Friday night and to spend the night Saturday night. Today, we went to church and then to my parents...Grandma and Grandpa's house. They have bought a new pontoon boat! We had a picnic, went for a boat ride, swam in the lake, swam in their pool and ate homemade ice cream! What a day! It was beautiful too - just extremely hot!!

Back to the real world tomorrow... but it was a nice weekend!

We are Family!

Okay, so here is the good picture from my family reunion. I kinda like the silly picture better!! Ha! Click on the picture to enlarge it, if you want!

My wonderful family!

How can you beat a crazy family like this!?

My vacation...and right on time!

Well, that last post had to be the most depressing post ever! But things are okay! I was fortunate enough to be able to leave that Saturday after my divorce for a week's vacation!

We packed (and do I mean "packed") the van full of clothes, sand toys, food, etc... and headed to a lake resort (how appropriate for Mama Duck!) in Tennessee for a family reunion. We were there for a whole week - with around 60 family members! It was so awesome! I got to see family that I haven't seen in almost 20 years, and meet their children! My kid's had fifth cousins there from Utah and California! It really was phenomenal! I'll post pictures eventually.

I'm still so pumped up about it, or sad (one or the other!). Most of the time, I'm still glowing in the fun memories that were made last week. Or I'm suffering from seperation anxiety! There wasn't a moment last week (really!) where I was alone. Not for a moment. There were people everywhere. I connected to several cousins and spent every moment visiting with someone. I never had a quiet moment. And surprisingly, I loved it!

Now, that is all I have! Quiet. Alone. My boys are at Grandma and Grandpa's, since their daycare is closed this week. It is unbelievably boring around here.

I suppose I should be thankful. I have been sick with some funky stomach virus (or exhaustion?) since Friday and I can't shake it. Guess I'll do what I usually do...go to bed early.

...except with dreams of relaxing days on the lake and lots of laughter in the evenings....

Sad Duck

Well, this is it. It is my last night as a married woman. I've been married for 11 years, 4 months, 1 week, and a day (but who is counting). We've made three homes, three children, and a lot of memories (good and bad). And just like that...it's over.

I go to court tomorrow morning to finalize my divorce. My attorney says it will be "quick and easy". She's single, never been married, no children. She is not kidding me. This will be one of the worst days of my life.

I didn't get married thinking, "if it doesn't work out, I'll get a divorce". I was committing to spending my life, at all costs, with this man. I never imagined that there would come a day when he would not be committed to the same! That he would not do everything to fight any battle for me and his future children...

None-the-less, here I am. Tomorrow night, I will be single. Who, at 35 years old with 3 children wants to be single!? Not I.

TGIF

I don't think I ever really got that when I was a kid. I remember being in the car with my dad and listening to the "5 o'clock whistle" on the radio on Fridays. I'd laugh at how silly he acted over it. I had no clue.

In fact, as a stay-at-home mom for the last 10 years, I've had no sense of "Fridays". Everyday was a day spent doing what I wanted to be doing. My husband didn't have traditional "weekends" off anyway, so it was just no big deal.

Now, I work a full time job, Monday to Friday. My children are in childcare all day, Monday to Friday. Now I truly know the meaning of TGIF, "Thank God It's Friday!"

Watch out for those driggers!!

A recent conversation in the car...

Candyman: "Look, Gamemaster! There are those flowers that Grandpa said have driggers in them!"

MamaDuck: "Driggers!? What are driggers??"

Gamemaster: "You know, those bugs that bite you and suck your blood. They itch really bad!"

MamaDuck: "Oh! You mean chiggers!"

Looking for Christian Single Moms...

I am a Christian Single Mom. I'm looking for other blogs written by Christian Single Moms.

Can't find any.

I know. We really don't have time.

Just thought there might be someone out there who is like me....

If you know of one, send them my way (or vice versa).

Thanks.

It's a brighter day...

Isn't it amazing how much better a cleaner house can make you feel? (Notice I didn't say a "clean" house, since that's never gonna happen!) I spent an hour this evening tidying up and cleaning a bit. Not the whole house - just two rooms - the living room and kitchen.

I started a small group for single mom's a couple months ago and I've struggled with getting it going good. I realized that my main reason for that is trying to get my house ready for it!!! This past weekend I renewed my commitment to getting the group started by contacting some that are interested and inviting them to join us this week. Tonight, my hill to climb was to just clean up a bit so that I won't feel so much pressure coming home tomorrow to get ready! I get home at 6pm and the group starts at 6:30pm (and I have to feed my kids first!).

Oops! There I go again...poor me....

Must stop.

Poor Me...

Okay, I've wallowed in it long enough. I'm getting it all out now...

I'm a single mom. My divorce will be final in July. My husband has gone off the deep end and is spending money left and right, except not on his children or his home (which was foreclosed on last week). Our lives have been turned upside down. We've gone from: me being home full time, homeschooling - to me working one full time job and two part time jobs and the kids being is school and daycare ALL day. We've moved. Almost everything in our lives has changed.

But we are going to be okay. I've gotten in a rut in the last month - feeling sorry for myself! It is hard, I will admit. I don't have it down yet. My kids are suffering right now. But I know God's Grace is sufficient for us. We just have to accept it.

It is time for me to let go of the self-pity and move on. The pity is only hurting us worse. I must pick myself up and do something about it.

"With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

My Pretty Princess

I had to show off my Pretty Princess. She was a flower girl in my brother's wedding two weekends ago. She was so beautiful. It only took me about four hours to do her hair!! At the end of the evening, one of her brother's poured a whole cup of confetti on top of her head. I was brushing it out for days...

God's Blessings

God has a funny way of blessing us sometimes. We have to look for them, or we will miss them. Lately, I've just been too exhausted and distracted to see them. However, yesterday was a bit too obvious!

I've been feeling down for the last week as my daughter's fifth birthday approached. I had to work and the children all had to go to daycare. I was so bummed about it. I miss spending my days with my children terribly. It is especially hard on their birthdays!

Well, I picked up the children and brought them home on Tuesday evening. I noticed that Kennedy wasn't talking much and she was acting a bit puny. By 6:45pm, I was taking her temperature. Sure enough! She had a fever - 102.6.

This may sound very strange, especially in light of previous posts as a stay at home mom, but I was THRILLED! This is one more upside-down change in our lives! I used to become greatly depressed when one of my little ducklings became ill. Now, with our first illness since becoming a single-working mom, I'm excited about a high fever!

Well, afterall, the next day was her birthday! We were able to spend the day together yesterday! I kept the boys out of daycare too. She didn't run a temp all day and seemed to feel fine! But the daycare rules are she can't attend within 24 hours of having a fever!

Funny, but by last night, her temperature spiked up again to 103.3! I gave her Ibuprofen and put her to bed. She woke me up at 4:30 this morning with a temp of 103.9! More Ibuprofen was given and we slept in! This morning, her temp is normal and she's watching a movie. I'm going to play with the boys!! ;)

Long time, no see...update

Wow. It's been a long, long time since I've visited this place. It used to be a place of purging for me. I honestly don't have time for it anymore. I want to though. Maybe just 10 minutes a night or two a week is doable...

Well, we go to court in a few weeks to finalize the divorce. I'm in shock about it really. I can't believe I'm getting a divorce. I don't believe in them.

We are all extremely exhausted, with end-of-school-year activities, work, etc... We went to Houston, TX last weekend for my brother's wedding. It was beautiful. We had a wonderful weekend, for the most part. Reality hit hard on Monday, with little sleep and back to school/work.

I'll update more later, but wanted to post a picture of me and my beautiful kids at the wedding. They are going through so many difficulties right now. I'm so proud of them. I pray we make it through this...